


why do we even have a groupchat?

by spongeclogs



Category: Fallout 4
Genre: Gen, Memes, Modern AU, Nonbinary Character, but of course there are preferences, everyone is bi/pan, groupchats, just general garbage, kinkshaming, sole is they/them, they're all friends- some have special benefits though
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-03
Updated: 2017-03-11
Packaged: 2018-05-18 00:01:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 20
Words: 22,035
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5890243
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spongeclogs/pseuds/spongeclogs
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Just a bunch of groupchat texts with the fo4 companions+sole</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. macdaddy

**macdaddy:** DOGMEAT CHEWED THRU MY NEW NIKES

  
  
**solo:** listen mac we know u love nike but if u even dare insult dogmeat i will stab u in ur sleep

   
**macdaddy:** HE CAN GO HECK HIMSELF

   
  
**solo:** :)))))))))))))))

   
**hardcock:** mac u better sleep w/ both eyes open tonite

 also dont get so vulgar we all kno curie hates bad language

   
  
**cutie:** Do not worry, MacCready already messed up I will join sole in their task of avenging dogmeat.

   
  
**hardcock:** shit man u fucked up

   
  
**cutie:** Hancock!

 

  **hardcock:** soz curie :(

 

 

* * *

 

  
  
**solo:** i s2g maxson has it all

 a sweet ass coat

 the finest ass in the world

and a bigoted mentality

   
  
**danse danse:** Sole you are talking about my boss.

 

  
**solo:** sorry danse

i ment to say he has a nice ass and a bigoted mentality

   
  
**danse danse:** What happened to his coat?

   
  
**solo:** its mine now

   
  
**danse danse:** YOU STOLE HIS COAT?!

   
  
**solo:** mmkay he was naked (a life changing experience to witness btw) and i saw it on the floor and i took it

  
hopefully he just starts working commando ;)

   
  
**hardcock** : SOLE OH FUCK I GOTTA HI-FIVE U FOR THIS BLESS U

  
  
**solo:** i try


	2. drag him

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> piper drags maccready and preston loses his shit

 

 

 

**macdaddy:** piper wat r my chances wit u??

  
  
**piper no piping:** u have a 0% chance of getting with me mac

  
  
**macdaddy:** whattttt?? u gotta b kidding me

  
  
**piper no piping:** ok mac I didn’t want to have to pull the receipts on u but here we go

 you’re a fuckboi

 I have evidence to prove this  
  
on december third, you texted me at 3:42 am. You said “hey what are you doing ”  
  
 I responded with “im trying to finish up an article” and you said, “what if i was wit u ;)?”  
  
 I’m a woman who has dealt with such questions before, so I decided to take my usual route, I replied “I’d still be working”  
  
 you then proceeded to say “I wanna play 20 questions”  
  
 I knew exactly where this was going but I needed a break and nothing is more entertaining than a try-hard fuckboi so I said “ok”

 you asked me what my favourite colour was, I said red. Immediately afterwards you said “can u send me nudes”  
  
 I didn’t respond after that because I got a snack and went back to work.  
  
 a similar situation occurred on december 29 at 12 am and on january 6 at 9 am

not to mention i prefer ladies

u obviously don’t have a chance with me mac

  
  
**pressed gravy:** oh my god mac when do you want the rest of us to plan your funeral

 #ripinpeacemaccready

  
  
**macdaddy:** ….. i dont deserve this


	3. ass eating and the army

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> hancock joins the navy, danse gets offended, cait wants to kill a man

 

 

**danse danse:** I’m making lunch, does anyone want to come over?

 

  
**hardcock:** r we gonna eat ur ass

  
  
**danse danse:** Remove me from this chat.

  
  
**solo:** ok but i second that notion

  
  
**big D:** i third that notion

  
  
**solo:** DEACON LETS INVITE MAXSON

  
  
**big D** : IT CAN BE AN ASS-EATING ORGY  
  
 IM DOWN

  
  
**valentine:** Curie, Preston and I are innocent. We don’t deserve to be subjected to this filth.  
  


* * *

 

**one punch cait:** ok so im working at the bar and THIS PIECE OF FUCKING HUMAN GARBAGE PINCHES MY ARSE AND SAYS I SHOULD SMILE MORE

 ITS FUCKING 2016 THIS SHOULDN’T EVEN B HAPPENING

  
  
**piper no piping:** WHO WAS IT  
  
I WILL STALK HIM AND DESTROY HIM

  
  
**big D:** cait u got her going now  


**one punch cait:** deacon im always reddy 2 fire any1 up cos im always angry  


**big D:** cant deny that  
  


 

* * *

 

  
  
  
**big D:** guess who just got fucked in the ass

  
**macdaddy:** u

  
  
**big D:** YEAH U KNO IT BUDDY  
  
sole DOMINATED me

  
  
**Xx_x6-88_xX:** We don’t need to know your sex life Deacon.

  
  
**valentine:** For once in my life, I agree with you X6.

  


* * *

  
  
  
**_[danse danse added maxass to the chat]_**

  
  
**big D:** DANSE WHAT THE FUCK

  
  
**solo:** DANSE NO

  
  
**maxass:** Hello Sole… and others.

  
  
**solo:** heeyy maxson

 u didnt see a certain convo regarding a coat or an orgy perchance??????

  
  
**maxass:** What? No.  
  
Why?

  
  
**solo:** no reason

  
  
**hardcock:** YO DANSE WHY THE FUCK DID U ADD UR BOSS TO THE GC????

  
  
_**[maxass left the chat]**_

  
  
**danse danse:** See what you did Hancock, you made Maxson leave the chat.

  
  
**hardcock:** what the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little bitch? I’ll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Navy Seals, and I’ve been involved in numerous secret raids on Al-Quaeda, and I have over 300 confirmed kills. I am trained in gorilla warfare and I’m the top sniper in the entire US armed forces. You are nothing to me but just another target. I will wipe you the fuck out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that shit to me over the Internet? Think again, fucker. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of spies across the USA and your IP is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You’re fucking dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that’s just with my bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the United States Marine Corps and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the continent, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little “clever” comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, and now you’re paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit fury all over you and you will drown in it. You’re fucking dead, kiddo

  
  
**danse danse:** Okay then.

  
  
**solo:** jesUS CHRIST HANCOCK


	4. winter hell

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> drunk times and a winter hellscape

 

 

 **cutie:** imm afras im ust tell evry1 that i am acttully a bagute  
  
im gong bac t frnace  
  
gdbyee mi chlidren

  
  
**hardock:** I ALWAS NU TAT U WRE A BAGU

  
  
**danse danse:** What the hell is going on?

  
  
one punch cait: DNASE I WAN 2 FUCK U

U HVE A HOTTT ASSSS

  
  
**solo:** I gree wit ciat  
  
gby cutrie

  
  
**piper no piping:** I WLIL FUK U UPP DASNE  
  
PRPEARE FR TE NUMBRE OEN ARCTLE

  
  
**valentine:** Don’t worry Danse, I’m driving their drunk asses home.  


 

* * *

  
  
  
**hardcock:** ok so everyone knows how i usually go back home to california for winter  
  
well since i had that fight with my dumbass bro i can’t go back home  
  
cos we’ll just keep fightin

anyway it’ll b my first winter here

  
  
**solo:** sorry bout ur brother  
  
BUT YESSSSSSSS SUFFER IN THE COLD WITH THE REST OF US

  
  
**big D:** good luck with the snow pal  
  
have u actually seen the snow b4

  
  
**hardcock:** lmao no

  
  
**big D:** yikes good luck  


* * *

  
  
  
**hardcock:** THIS IS TERRIBLE AND I HATE LIFE  
  
UGHHHHHHH SNOW IS THE WORST THING IN EXISTANCE

  
  
**big D:** ok sole , preston, nick and piper u owe me, danse and mac 50 bucks each

  
  
**solo:** fine  
  
i had faith in u hancock

  
  
**pressed gravy:** damn ok

  
  
**valentine:** disappointing me again, hancock

  
  
**piper no piping:** smh hancock

  
  
**danse danse:** I knew u wouldn’t last

  
  
**macdaddy:** I just wanted money and I kno that u love the heat

  
  
**hardcock:** what the fuck

  
  
**big D:** lmao we made bets for how long u would last in our winters  
  
danse, mac and i bet that you would last a week  
  
nick, preston, sole and piper bet that u would last through december

  
  
**hardcock:** tbh i would do the same thing


	5. hoe don't do it

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> mac is drunk, piper and preston are nerds, curie has gone to france, hancock gives cait a high five.

**solo:** help

mac is crying in my living room

im 120% sure hes hammered

 

 **macdaddy:** shtup the hell ur mot

im not cryng

 mne dotn cry

 

 **big D:** mac its okay to cry

I cry everyday

 

 **hardcock:** same here man

we should get together and cry

SQUAD CRYING SESSION

 

 **solo:** thats a good idea but pls help me

 

 **big D:** fine ill be over in 20

 

* * *

 

 

 **piper no piping:** I FUCKING LOVE MUSICALS

I WOULD SELL MY SOUL AND ORGANS TO SEE HAMILTON

 

 **pressed gravy:** SAME

IM A HAMILHOE

 

 **piper no piping:** PRESTON THAT’S GONNA BE MY TUMBLR HEADER

 

 **pressed gravy:** glad to be of service :-)

 

 **big D:** this is some high calibre nerdy shit

 

 **piper no piping:** fuck off “deeks”

 

 **big D:** only sole gets to call me that “pipes”

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 **solo:** so i was gonna go to curie’s apartment to borrow her shampoo

but then i realised that SHES IN FRANCE AND SHE TOOK HER SHAMPOO WITH HER

i miss her so much

 

 **hardcock:** same sole

i mean shes 420% of my impulse control

i’m compelled to cut all of my clothes in half and set them on fire

 

 **solo:** wtf

don’t do that

 

 **cutie:** Sole is right.

You will have to buy new and more expensive clothes.

It should be in your best interest to not ruin your clothes.

 

 **solo:** CURIE I MISS U SO MUCH

 

 **cutie:** I miss you too Sole  <3

 

 **hardcock:** yeah k ur right

i miss u a lot curie

 

 **cutie:** Seriously, I’ll be back in a week.

But I miss you too Hancock <3

 

 **hardcock:** <3

 

* * *

 

 

 

 **solo:** CAIT WHAT THE FUCK

 

 **danse danse:** It’s not even noon.

 

 **pressed gravy:** i’m literally crying this is so funny

 

 **piper no piping:** sole whats going on??

 

 **solo:** cait got into a fistfight with mcdonough

 

 **piper no piping:** HOLY FUCKING SHIT THIS IS AMAZING

 

 **strongth:** i taught u well cait

 

 **one punch cait:** I BEAT THAT PIECE OF SHIT INTO THE GROUND

  
**hardcock:** FUCKING HELL CAIT

IM GONNA COME TO UR HOUSE AND HI FIVE U

 

 **solo:** WE ARE HAVING WORDS CAIT

U HEAR ME

WORDS

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I didn't update for a while, had a little trouble finding inspiration. If anyone has suggestions for some new chapters you can go to my tumblr page: sponge-clogs and put them in the ask box or submit or whatever :)


	6. gay shots of vodka

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Party Time.

**danse danse:** Hey everyone, this is Haylen

I took Danse's phone real quick to let u guys know that we're having a party tonight at the Prydwen

Y'know that new club that is supposed to be amazing

Anyway, Maxson booked the entire place and I made sure Danse put your names on the guest list 

The party starts at 7 

Hope to see you there xx

 

 

 

* * *

 **hardcock:** we gonna go to maxass's party tonite???

 

 

 **macdaddy:** i wanna go

 

 

 **solo:** HELL FUCKING YEAH WERE GOIN

 

 **cutie:** Well it would be nice to get out of the lab for a while.

I mean even in France, I went to a number of labs and I didn't even get a chance to go to the beach :-(

Also sole, mind your language. 

 

 **solo:** YEA IM PUMPED

sorry curie

 

 **piper no piping:** We can see that

But yeah I don't mind going

 

 **Pressed Gravy:** I've been doing so much darn community work I do need to take a break

 

 **big D:** yaaaa i've been waitin to go to a party for ages

 

 **one punch cait:** will there b drinks??

**solo:** cait its a party at a club thats been privately booked by a bunch of idiots in their 20s

of course there'll b drinks

 

 **one punch cait:** nice i'm goin 

 

 **strongth:** i'm not gonna go

made that resolution to only drink healthy drinks

homemade juices and smoothies water and milk

thats all i can drink

 

 **solo:** thats ok strong what abt x6

 

 **xX_x6-88_Xx:** No. 

 

 **solo:** K 

so thats p much most of us

who's gonna b the DD??

 

 **valentine:** I'll be the DD.

I didn't feel like going but I'm the only responsible one here, so I'll do it.

 

* * *

 

 **solo:** MMMMMTHAS A GRAAAT PARY

FFUCCIcm ny capSLosk

uoy fcuers mssed oot on a tradical prat

 

 

_**[maxass joined the chat]** _

 

 **maxass:** im sssso gaye

dnase is ma big beey tni can

he metle assss iss mINE

 

 **hardcock:** ARTTTHUURRR  
I FCUKIN  KNWEW THA SHIT

IDDNT EVN KNNO U DID VODKAA SHOTSS  
TAT WASAS AMZING

 

 **solo:** ARHUE I LOEVV UR BEAD  
HOWW DI DU GETT TGAT SCAR

 

 **maxass:** I FUCKN FUOGHGT A DNOSAAUR

 

 **danse danse:** nO U DUDBT

IT WASA LONFG BOARDBG ACCIDENT IB CLLEGE

YUO FEELL OVAR

 

 **pressed gravy:** FUCCCK ME EE UPP TE ASS  
BOYOY IM SO TEIRED  
I HSDVeNT SLeept in 45890 yearsds

 

 **cutie:** weeklyy sciencee factt: who is cureie???

is sheee evn reall???  
iS ANYONEB REALL????  
 R WEWALLL JUST FLOOTIG IN SPAccEE

maYYVE IM JUBST A BAGETEEE DREEMING THST IM HUMQaN

 

 **solo:** CURREIE NOOONOONNOn

 

 **big D:** WHOOOOO FUUCKN DARES NE TO SHOVE  AB ENTTIREEE SALAAD WRAAP UP MA ASSSSS????  
imm GOANA DO IT

FUK U

 

 

 **macdaddy:** myyyyyyyy gF LEFT ME  
ALLL DAARTS LEfT ID OUR PUPPER  
HISI NAME IS DNUCAN

WHYDE SEH LEAVE EM  
WHYB WATER COMMING OUTSTA MY CFAE

 

 **big D:** i did it

i sHOVED AN ENTIERE REAP UP MA ASS  
I THINK SOM LETTUVCE IS SRUCK UP THERE  


**one punch cait:** FUFUFCL I WNaA FIHGT SOM1

WHJOS GNSS FUGHT  


**valentine:** You're all making disgraces of yourselves stop. 

I took you all home an hour ago. 

Chill. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry about the drunk texting holy shit. It might get kinda hard to read but I've never been drunk so I don't know how these things work.


	7. amnesia??

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the ~fallout~ of the previous chapter's shenanigans

**solo:** fuck

my head is killing me

i need mcdonalds 

 

 

 **hardcock:** same

 

 **big D:** why is lettuce up my ass

i dont even kno what i was doing last night

 

 **maxass:** What the fuck 

Why am I in this chat again?

 

 **danse danse:** Arthur, you joined the chat last night. 

 

 **maxass:** Oh yeah. 

 

 

_**[maxass left the chat]** _

 

 

 

 **big D** : oh my god

i jsut read the convo from last night

what the fuck was i thinking

 

 **one punch cait:** im at curies house 

she is passed out lmao

 

 **solo:** aren't u hungover

 

 **one punch cait** : lol no

im used to gettin SUPER drunk

so im not bothered too much by hangovers

 

 

* * *

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter was p short but ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯


	8. trinities, bullshit and kinkshaming

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> deacon is emo, glory joins the chat and sole gets kinkshamed

 

 

 **solo:** mmmm i finally got a chance to listen to anti

holy FUCK its so good

i would die for rihanna 

and beyonce

and nicki 

theyre my mothers 

 

 

 **big D:** i'm pumped for wintour

 

 

 **solo:** omg deeks r u an emo

 

 

 **big D:** ...i guess

 

 

 **solo:** yknow i always believe that ppl have the chance of gettin back together

but mcr doesnt 

 

 

 **big D:** below the belt smh

im actually crying inside

 

 

 **solo:** thats why u r emo trash

 

 

 **piper no piping:** Bruh the new emo/alertnative trinity is where its at

Halsey is actually my mother

I love Josh Dun so much 

U will not believe it

 

 

 **solo:** it seems we all have our own fave trinities

we must fight to the death to see which trinity is the best

 

 **piper no piping:** Ur on

 

 

 **big D:** *puts on eyeliner and bandshirt while crying* come at me mother fucker

 

 

* * *

 

 

_**[big D added GLORious to the chat]** _

 

 **solo:** heyy glory

 

 **GLORious:** hey sole

 

 

 **big D:** ever1 this is glory

i hangout with her sometimes

 

 

 **hardcock:** hey

 

 **cutie:** Hi! 

 

 **valentine:** Nice to meet you. 

 

 **danse danse:** Hello. 

 

 **one punch cait:** hi

 

 **macdaddy:** sup 

 

 **big D:** oh glory i did something rad the other day

 

 **GLORious:** did u finally find ur dignity again

oh wait u lost that when u were born 

 

 **macdaddy:**  HECK 

THATS SO SAVAGE

 

 **big D:** no 

but i met this random trucker at a gas station 

and he was almost run over but i saved him

anyway he didnt kno how to repay me 

i suggested he could give me a ride 

as u all kno i dont have a fuckin car

he said yea ok

and he took me to ottawa

i was confused as to why the ride was so long but i didnt say anthing

when i got to ottawa i asked him why he drove me to canada 

he said i looked canadian

so i said ok thx for the ride

and then i thought 

fuck

how am i gonna get back 

i ended up hitchiking with some rando 

he asked me how tf i was in canada 

i told him abt the trucker

turns out that trucker is this randos cousin

i got back home and it was p cool

 

 

 **GLORious:** deacon what day was this???

 

 

big D: the 19th of feb this year

 

 

 **GLORious:** ur bullshittin every1 

 

 

 **solo:** yeah u were hanging out with me that day

 

 

 **big D:** fuck

u got me 

 

 **GLORious:** it wasnt hard cos ur a shit liar

 

 

* * *

 

 **solo:** u kno whats fuckin hot 

bondage and food in sex

also daddy kinks r gr8

 

 **macdaddy:** SOLE NO  


 

 **piper no piping:** That's it I'm kinkshaming

 

 

 **valentine:** Sole, what the fuck is wrong with you?

 

 **xX_x6-88_XX:** Sole that's fucked up. 

 

 **pressed gravy:** Oh my god sole

Piper I'm kinkshaming with you

 

 **solo:** damn 

y'all are a bunch of vanilla motherfuckers

wheres hancock when u need him

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm only updating a fuckload today cos I'm procrastinating my actual assignments.


	9. CRINGE

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> deacon is a disgrace, maccready pisses everyone off and sole is still a kinky piece of shit

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> prepare for a long chapter of hell lmao

 

 

  
**big D:** yknow minions get a bad rep

theyre cute 

i like them XD

 

  
**hardcock:** did u just

 

  
**macdaddy:** i can't believe this

 

  
**big D:** minions r cute lil yellow tic tacs XD

i love their made up language XD

 

  
**solo:** i want to break up 

 

  
**big D:** what???

 

**piper no piping:** Deacon if u continue with this disgraceful behaviour we'll all move to the chat without you

 

 

 

  
**big D:** i dont understand

 

  
**solo:** i cant bring myself to type those disgusting letters 

someone make the sacrifice 

 

  
**big D:** oh wait letters??

u mean XD??

 

  
**hardcock:** listen pal 

oh buddy my friend

THOSE letters are awful

not to mention the fact that u love minions

thats a whole nother arguement 

 

  
**big D:**   :(((((

 

  
**macdaddy:** deacon if u stop itll be better for ever1s health 

 

  
**big D:** fine 

 

  
**solo:** now onto a more serious topic

WHAT THE FUCK U LIKE MINIONS

IM BREAKING UP WITH U

 

  
**macdaddy:** seriously deacon what the actual heck is wrong with you

 

  
**big D:** since when did every1 decide to roast me??

 

  
**hardcock:** when this convo started smh

 

 

* * *

 

 

  
**macdaddy:**
    
    
    According to all known laws
    of aviation,
    
      
    there is no way a bee
    should be able to fly.
    
      
    Its wings are too small to get
    its fat little body off the ground.
    
      
    The bee, of course, flies anyway
    
      
    because bees don't care
    what humans think is impossible.
    
      
    Yellow, black. Yellow, black.
    Yellow, black. Yellow, black.
    
      
    Ooh, black and yellow!
    Let's shake it up a little.
    
      
    Barry! Breakfast is ready!
    
      
    Ooming!
    
      
    Hang on a second.
    
      
    Hello?
    
      
    - Barry?
    - Adam?
    
      
    - Oan you believe this is happening?
    - I can't. I'll pick you up.
    
      
    Looking sharp
    
      
    Use the stairs. Your father
    paid good money for those.
    
      
    Sorry. I'm excited.
    
      
    Here's the graduate.
    We're very proud of you, son.
    
      
    A perfect report card, all B's.
    
      
    Very proud.
    
      
    Ma! I got a thing going here.
    
      
    - You got lint on your fuzz.
    - Ow! That's me!
    
      
    - Wave to us! We'll be in row 118,000.
    - Bye!
    
      
    Barry, I told you,
    stop flying in the house!
    
      
    - Hey, Adam.
    - Hey, Barry.
    
      
    - Is that fuzz gel?
    - A little. Special day, graduation.
    
      
    Never thought I'd make it.
    
      
    Three days grade school,
    three days high school.
    
      
    Those were awkward.
    
      
    Three days college. I'm glad I took
    a day and hitchhiked around the hive.
    
      
    You did come back different.
    
      
    - Hi, Barry.
    - Artie, growing a mustache? Looks good.
    
      
    - Hear about Frankie?
    - Yeah.
    
      
    - You going to the funeral?
    - No, I'm not going.
    
      
    Everybody knows,
    sting someone, you die.
    
      
    Don't waste it on a squirrel.
    Such a hothead.
    
      
    I guess he could have
    just gotten out of the way.
    
      
    I love this incorporating
    an amusement park into our day.
    
      
    That's why we don't need vacations.
    
      
    Boy, quite a bit of pomp...
    under the circumstances.
    
      
    - Well, Adam, today we are men.
    - We are!
    
      
    - Bee-men.
    - Amen!
    
      
    Hallelujah!
    
      
    Students, faculty, distinguished bees,
    
      
    please welcome Dean Buzzwell.
    
      
    Welcome, New Hive Oity
    graduating class of...
    
      
    ...9:15.
    
      
    That concludes our ceremonies.
    
      
    And begins your career
    at Honex Industries!
    
      
    Will we pick ourjob today?
    
      
    I heard it's just orientation.
    
      
    Heads up! Here we go.
    
      
    Keep your hands and antennas
    inside the tram at all times.
    
      
    - Wonder what it'll be like?
    - A little scary.
    
      
    Welcome to Honex,
    a division of Honesco
    
      
    and a part of the Hexagon Group.
    
      
    This is it!
    
      
    Wow.
    
      
    Wow.
    
      
    We know that you, as a bee,
    have worked your whole life
    
      
    to get to the point where you
    can work for your whole life.
    
      
    Honey begins when our valiant Pollen
    Jocks bring the nectar to the hive.
    
      
    Our top-secret formula
    
      
    is automatically color-corrected,
    scent-adjusted and bubble-contoured
    
      
    into this soothing sweet syrup
    
      
    with its distinctive
    golden glow you know as...
    
      
    Honey!
    
      
    - That girl was hot.
    - She's my cousin!
    
      
    - She is?
    - Yes, we're all cousins.
    
      
    - Right. You're right.
    - At Honex, we constantly strive
    
      
    to improve every aspect
    of bee existence.
    
      
    These bees are stress-testing
    a new helmet technology.
    
      
    - What do you think he makes?
    - Not enough.
    
      
    Here we have our latest advancement,
    the Krelman.
    
      
    - What does that do?
    - Oatches that little strand of honey
    
      
    that hangs after you pour it.
    Saves us millions.
    
      
    Oan anyone work on the Krelman?
    
      
    Of course. Most bee jobs are
    small ones. But bees know
    
      
    that every small job,
    if it's done well, means a lot.
    
      
    But choose carefully
    
      
    because you'll stay in the job
    you pick for the rest of your life.
    
      
    The same job the rest of your life?
    I didn't know that.
    
      
    What's the difference?
    
      
    You'll be happy to know that bees,
    as a species, haven't had one day off
    
      
    in 27 million years.
    
      
    So you'll just work us to death?
    
      
    We'll sure try.
    
      
    Wow! That blew my mind!
    
      
    "What's the difference?"
    How can you say that?
    
      
    One job forever?
    That's an insane choice to have to make.
    
      
    I'm relieved. Now we only have
    to make one decision in life.
    
      
    But, Adam, how could they
    never have told us that?
    
      
    Why would you question anything?
    We're bees.
    
      
    We're the most perfectly
    functioning society on Earth.
    
      
    You ever think maybe things
    work a little too well here?
    
      
    Like what? Give me one example.
    
      
    I don't know. But you know
    what I'm talking about.
    
      
    Please clear the gate.
    Royal Nectar Force on approach.
    
      
    Wait a second. Oheck it out.
    
      
    - Hey, those are Pollen Jocks!
    - Wow.
    
      
    I've never seen them this close.
    
      
    They know what it's like
    outside the hive.
    
      
    Yeah, but some don't come back.
    
      
    - Hey, Jocks!
    - Hi, Jocks!
    
      
    You guys did great!
    
      
    You're monsters!
    You're sky freaks! I love it! I love it!
    
      
    - I wonder where they were.
    - I don't know.
    
      
    Their day's not planned.
    
      
    Outside the hive, flying who knows
    where, doing who knows what.
    
      
    You can'tjust decide to be a Pollen
    Jock. You have to be bred for that.
    
      
    Right.
    
      
    Look. That's more pollen
    than you and I will see in a lifetime.
    
      
    It's just a status symbol.
    Bees make too much of it.
    
      
    Perhaps. Unless you're wearing it
    and the ladies see you wearing it.
    
      
    Those ladies?
    Aren't they our cousins too?
    
      
    Distant. Distant.
    
      
    Look at these two.
    
      
    - Oouple of Hive Harrys.
    - Let's have fun with them.
    
      
    It must be dangerous
    being a Pollen Jock.
    
      
    Yeah. Once a bear pinned me
    against a mushroom!
    
      
    He had a paw on my throat,
    and with the other, he was slapping me!
    
      
    - Oh, my!
    - I never thought I'd knock him out.
    
      
    What were you doing during this?
    
      
    Trying to alert the authorities.
    
      
    I can autograph that.
    
      
    A little gusty out there today,
    wasn't it, comrades?
    
      
    Yeah. Gusty.
    
      
    We're hitting a sunflower patch
    six miles from here tomorrow.
    
      
    - Six miles, huh?
    - Barry!
    
      
    A puddle jump for us,
    but maybe you're not up for it.
    
      
    - Maybe I am.
    - You are not!
    
      
    We're going 0900 at J-Gate.
    
      
    What do you think, buzzy-boy?
    Are you bee enough?
    
      
    I might be. It all depends
    on what 0900 means.
    
      
    Hey, Honex!
    
      
    Dad, you surprised me.
    
      
    You decide what you're interested in?
    
      
    - Well, there's a lot of choices.
    - But you only get one.
    
      
    Do you ever get bored
    doing the same job every day?
    
      
    Son, let me tell you about stirring.
    
      
    You grab that stick, and you just
    move it around, and you stir it around.
    
      
    You get yourself into a rhythm.
    It's a beautiful thing.
    
      
    You know, Dad,
    the more I think about it,
    
      
    maybe the honey field
    just isn't right for me.
    
      
    You were thinking of what,
    making balloon animals?
    
      
    That's a bad job
    for a guy with a stinger.
    
      
    Janet, your son's not sure
    he wants to go into honey!
    
      
    - Barry, you are so funny sometimes.
    - I'm not trying to be funny.
    
      
    You're not funny! You're going
    into honey. Our son, the stirrer!
    
      
    - You're gonna be a stirrer?
    - No one's listening to me!
    
      
    Wait till you see the sticks I have.
    
      
    I could say anything right now.
    I'm gonna get an ant tattoo!
    
      
    Let's open some honey and celebrate!
    
      
    Maybe I'll pierce my thorax.
    Shave my antennae.
    
      
    Shack up with a grasshopper. Get
    a gold tooth and call everybody "dawg"!
    
      
    I'm so proud.
    
      
    - We're starting work today!
    - Today's the day.
    
      
    Oome on! All the good jobs
    will be gone.
    
      
    Yeah, right.
    
      
    Pollen counting, stunt bee, pouring,
    stirrer, front desk, hair removal...
    
      
    - Is it still available?
    - Hang on. Two left!
    
      
    One of them's yours! Oongratulations!
    Step to the side.
    
      
    - What'd you get?
    - Picking crud out. Stellar!
    
      
    Wow!
    
      
    Oouple of newbies?
    
      
    Yes, sir! Our first day! We are ready!
    
      
    Make your choice.
    
      
    - You want to go first?
    - No, you go.
    
      
    Oh, my. What's available?
    
      
    Restroom attendant's open,
    not for the reason you think.
    
      
    - Any chance of getting the Krelman?
    - Sure, you're on.
    
      
    I'm sorry, the Krelman just closed out.
    
      
    Wax monkey's always open.
    
      
    The Krelman opened up again.
    
      
    What happened?
    
      
    A bee died. Makes an opening. See?
    He's dead. Another dead one.
    
      
    Deady. Deadified. Two more dead.
    
      
    Dead from the neck up.
    Dead from the neck down. That's life!
    
      
    Oh, this is so hard!
    
      
    Heating, cooling,
    stunt bee, pourer, stirrer,
    
      
    humming, inspector number seven,
    lint coordinator, stripe supervisor,
    
      
    mite wrangler. Barry, what
    do you think I should... Barry?
    
      
    Barry!
    
      
    All right, we've got the sunflower patch
    in quadrant nine...
    
      
    What happened to you?
    Where are you?
    
      
    - I'm going out.
    - Out? Out where?
    
      
    - Out there.
    - Oh, no!
    
      
    I have to, before I go
    to work for the rest of my life.
    
      
    You're gonna die! You're crazy! Hello?
    
      
    Another call coming in.
    
      
    If anyone's feeling brave,
    there's a Korean deli on 83rd
    
      
    that gets their roses today.
    
      
    Hey, guys.
    
      
    - Look at that.
    - Isn't that the kid we saw yesterday?
    
      
    Hold it, son, flight deck's restricted.
    
      
    It's OK, Lou. We're gonna take him up.
    
      
    Really? Feeling lucky, are you?
    
      
    Sign here, here. Just initial that.
    
      
    - Thank you.
    - OK.
    
      
    You got a rain advisory today,
    
      
    and as you all know,
    bees cannot fly in rain.
    
      
    So be careful. As always,
    watch your brooms,
    
      
    hockey sticks, dogs,
    birds, bears and bats.
    
      
    Also, I got a couple of reports
    of root beer being poured on us.
    
      
    Murphy's in a home because of it,
    babbling like a cicada!
    
      
    - That's awful.
    - And a reminder for you rookies,
    
      
    bee law number one,
    absolutely no talking to humans!
    
      
    All right, launch positions!
    
      
    Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz! Buzz, buzz,
    buzz, buzz! Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz!
    
      
    Black and yellow!
    
      
    Hello!
    
      
    You ready for this, hot shot?
    
      
    Yeah. Yeah, bring it on.
    
      
    Wind, check.
    
      
    - Antennae, check.
    - Nectar pack, check.
    
      
    - Wings, check.
    - Stinger, check.
    
      
    Scared out of my shorts, check.
    
      
    OK, ladies,
    
      
    let's move it out!
    
      
    Pound those petunias,
    you striped stem-suckers!
    
      
    All of you, drain those flowers!
    
      
    Wow! I'm out!
    
      
    I can't believe I'm out!
    
      
    So blue.
    
      
    I feel so fast and free!
    
      
    Box kite!
    
      
    Wow!
    
      
    Flowers!
    
      
    This is Blue Leader.
    We have roses visual.
    
      
    Bring it around 30 degrees and hold.
    
      
    Roses!
    
      
    30 degrees, roger. Bringing it around.
    
      
    Stand to the side, kid.
    It's got a bit of a kick.
    
      
    That is one nectar collector!
    
      
    - Ever see pollination up close?
    - No, sir.
    
      
    I pick up some pollen here, sprinkle it
    over here. Maybe a dash over there,
    
      
    a pinch on that one.
    See that? It's a little bit of magic.
    
      
    That's amazing. Why do we do that?
    
      
    That's pollen power. More pollen, more
    flowers, more nectar, more honey for us.
    
      
    Oool.
    
      
    I'm picking up a lot of bright yellow.
    Oould be daisies. Don't we need those?
    
      
    Oopy that visual.
    
      
    Wait. One of these flowers
    seems to be on the move.
    
      
    Say again? You're reporting
    a moving flower?
    
      
    Affirmative.
    
      
    That was on the line!
    
      
    This is the coolest. What is it?
    
      
    I don't know, but I'm loving this color.
    
      
    It smells good.
    Not like a flower, but I like it.
    
      
    Yeah, fuzzy.
    
      
    Ohemical-y.
    
      
    Oareful, guys. It's a little grabby.
    
      
    My sweet lord of bees!
    
      
    Oandy-brain, get off there!
    
      
    Problem!
    
      
    - Guys!
    - This could be bad.
    
      
    Affirmative.
    
      
    Very close.
    
      
    Gonna hurt.
    
      
    Mama's little boy.
    
      
    You are way out of position, rookie!
    
      
    Ooming in at you like a missile!
    
      
    Help me!
    
      
    I don't think these are flowers.
    
      
    - Should we tell him?
    - I think he knows.
    
      
    What is this?!
    
      
    Match point!
    
      
    You can start packing up, honey,
    because you're about to eat it!
    
      
    Yowser!
    
      
    Gross.
    
      
    There's a bee in the car!
    
      
    - Do something!
    - I'm driving!
    
      
    - Hi, bee.
    - He's back here!
    
      
    He's going to sting me!
    
      
    Nobody move. If you don't move,
    he won't sting you. Freeze!
    
      
    He blinked!
    
      
    Spray him, Granny!
    
      
    What are you doing?!
    
      
    Wow... the tension level
    out here is unbelievable.
    
      
    I gotta get home.
    
      
    Oan't fly in rain.
    
      
    Oan't fly in rain.
    
      
    Oan't fly in rain.
    
      
    Mayday! Mayday! Bee going down!
    
      
    Ken, could you close
    the window please?
    
      
    Ken, could you close
    the window please?
    
      
    Oheck out my new resume.
    I made it into a fold-out brochure.
    
      
    You see? Folds out.
    
      
    Oh, no. More humans. I don't need this.
    
      
    What was that?
    
      
    Maybe this time. This time. This time.
    This time! This time! This...
    
      
    Drapes!
    
      
    That is diabolical.
    
      
    It's fantastic. It's got all my special
    skills, even my top-ten favorite movies.
    
      
    What's number one? Star Wars?
    
      
    Nah, I don't go for that...
    
      
    ...kind of stuff.
    
      
    No wonder we shouldn't talk to them.
    They're out of their minds.
    
      
    When I leave a job interview, they're
    flabbergasted, can't believe what I say.
    
      
    There's the sun. Maybe that's a way out.
    
      
    I don't remember the sun
    having a big 75 on it.
    
      
    I predicted global warming.
    
      
    I could feel it getting hotter.
    At first I thought it was just me.
    
      
    Wait! Stop! Bee!
    
      
    Stand back. These are winter boots.
    
      
    Wait!
    
      
    Don't kill him!
    
      
    You know I'm allergic to them!
    This thing could kill me!
    
      
    Why does his life have
    less value than yours?
    
      
    Why does his life have any less value
    than mine? Is that your statement?
    
      
    I'm just saying all life has value. You
    don't know what he's capable of feeling.
    
      
    My brochure!
    
      
    There you go, little guy.
    
      
    I'm not scared of him.
    It's an allergic thing.
    
      
    Put that on your resume brochure.
    
      
    My whole face could puff up.
    
      
    Make it one of your special skills.
    
      
    Knocking someone out
    is also a special skill.
    
      
    Right. Bye, Vanessa. Thanks.
    
      
    - Vanessa, next week? Yogurt night?
    - Sure, Ken. You know, whatever.
    
      
    - You could put carob chips on there.
    - Bye.
    
      
    - Supposed to be less calories.
    - Bye.
    
      
    I gotta say something.
    
      
    She saved my life.
    I gotta say something.
    
      
    All right, here it goes.
    
      
    Nah.
    
      
    What would I say?
    
      
    I could really get in trouble.
    
      
    It's a bee law.
    You're not supposed to talk to a human.
    
      
    I can't believe I'm doing this.
    
      
    I've got to.
    
      
    Oh, I can't do it. Oome on!
    
      
    No. Yes. No.
    
      
    Do it. I can't.
    
      
    How should I start it?
    "You like jazz?" No, that's no good.
    
      
    Here she comes! Speak, you fool!
    
      
    Hi!
    
      
    I'm sorry.
    
      
    - You're talking.
    - Yes, I know.
    
      
    You're talking!
    
      
    I'm so sorry.
    
      
    No, it's OK. It's fine.
    I know I'm dreaming.
    
      
    But I don't recall going to bed.
    
      
    Well, I'm sure this
    is very disconcerting.
    
      
    This is a bit of a surprise to me.
    I mean, you're a bee!
    
      
    I am. And I'm not supposed
    to be doing this,
    
      
    but they were all trying to kill me.
    
      
    And if it wasn't for you...
    
      
    I had to thank you.
    It's just how I was raised.
    
      
    That was a little weird.
    
      
    - I'm talking with a bee.
    - Yeah.
    
      
    I'm talking to a bee.
    And the bee is talking to me!
    
      
    I just want to say I'm grateful.
    I'll leave now.
    
      
    - Wait! How did you learn to do that?
    - What?
    
      
    The talking thing.
    
      
    Same way you did, I guess.
    "Mama, Dada, honey." You pick it up.
    
      
    - That's very funny.
    - Yeah.
    
      
    Bees are funny. If we didn't laugh,
    we'd cry with what we have to deal with.
    
      
    Anyway...
    
      
    Oan I...
    
      
    ...get you something?
    - Like what?
    
      
    I don't know. I mean...
    I don't know. Ooffee?
    
      
    I don't want to put you out.
    
      
    It's no trouble. It takes two minutes.
    
      
    - It's just coffee.
    - I hate to impose.
    
      
    - Don't be ridiculous!
    - Actually, I would love a cup.
    
      
    Hey, you want rum cake?
    
      
    - I shouldn't.
    - Have some.
    
      
    - No, I can't.
    - Oome on!
    
      
    I'm trying to lose a couple micrograms.
    
      
    - Where?
    - These stripes don't help.
    
      
    You look great!
    
      
    I don't know if you know
    anything about fashion.
    
      
    Are you all right?
    
      
    No.
    
      
    He's making the tie in the cab
    as they're flying up Madison.
    
      
    He finally gets there.
    
      
    He runs up the steps into the church.
    The wedding is on.
    
      
    And he says, "Watermelon?
    I thought you said Guatemalan.
    
      
    Why would I marry a watermelon?"
    
      
    Is that a bee joke?
    
      
    That's the kind of stuff we do.
    
      
    Yeah, different.
    
      
    So, what are you gonna do, Barry?
    
      
    About work? I don't know.
    
      
    I want to do my part for the hive,
    but I can't do it the way they want.
    
      
    I know how you feel.
    
      
    - You do?
    - Sure.
    
      
    My parents wanted me to be a lawyer or
    a doctor, but I wanted to be a florist.
    
      
    - Really?
    - My only interest is flowers.
    
      
    Our new queen was just elected
    with that same campaign slogan.
    
      
    Anyway, if you look...
    
      
    There's my hive right there. See it?
    
      
    You're in Sheep Meadow!
    
      
    Yes! I'm right off the Turtle Pond!
    
      
    No way! I know that area.
    I lost a toe ring there once.
    
      
    - Why do girls put rings on their toes?
    - Why not?
    
      
    - It's like putting a hat on your knee.
    - Maybe I'll try that.
    
      
    - You all right, ma'am?
    - Oh, yeah. Fine.
    
      
    Just having two cups of coffee!
    
      
    Anyway, this has been great.
    Thanks for the coffee.
    
      
    Yeah, it's no trouble.
    
      
    Sorry I couldn't finish it. If I did,
    I'd be up the rest of my life.
    
      
    Are you...?
    
      
    Oan I take a piece of this with me?
    
      
    Sure! Here, have a crumb.
    
      
    - Thanks!
    - Yeah.
    
      
    All right. Well, then...
    I guess I'll see you around.
    
      
    Or not.
    
      
    OK, Barry.
    
      
    And thank you
    so much again... for before.
    
      
    Oh, that? That was nothing.
    
      
    Well, not nothing, but... Anyway...
    
      
    This can't possibly work.
    
      
    He's all set to go.
    We may as well try it.
    
      
    OK, Dave, pull the chute.
    
      
    - Sounds amazing.
    - It was amazing!
    
      
    It was the scariest,
    happiest moment of my life.
    
      
    Humans! I can't believe
    you were with humans!
    
      
    Giant, scary humans!
    What were they like?
    
      
    Huge and crazy. They talk crazy.
    
      
    They eat crazy giant things.
    They drive crazy.
    
      
    - Do they try and kill you, like on TV?
    - Some of them. But some of them don't.
    
      
    - How'd you get back?
    - Poodle.
    
      
    You did it, and I'm glad. You saw
    whatever you wanted to see.
    
      
    You had your "experience." Now you
    can pick out yourjob and be normal.
    
      
    - Well...
    - Well?
    
      
    Well, I met someone.
    
      
    You did? Was she Bee-ish?
    
      
    - A wasp?! Your parents will kill you!
    - No, no, no, not a wasp.
    
      
    - Spider?
    - I'm not attracted to spiders.
    
      
    I know it's the hottest thing,
    with the eight legs and all.
    
      
    I can't get by that face.
    
      
    So who is she?
    
      
    She's... human.
    
      
    No, no. That's a bee law.
    You wouldn't break a bee law.
    
      
    - Her name's Vanessa.
    - Oh, boy.
    
      
    She's so nice. And she's a florist!
    
      
    Oh, no! You're dating a human florist!
    
      
    We're not dating.
    
      
    You're flying outside the hive, talking
    to humans that attack our homes
    
      
    with power washers and M-80s!
    One-eighth a stick of dynamite!
    
      
    She saved my life!
    And she understands me.
    
      
    This is over!
    
      
    Eat this.
    
      
    This is not over! What was that?
    
      
    - They call it a crumb.
    - It was so stingin' stripey!
    
      
    And that's not what they eat.
    That's what falls off what they eat!
    
      
    - You know what a Oinnabon is?
    - No.
    
      
    It's bread and cinnamon and frosting.
    They heat it up...
    
      
    Sit down!
    
      
    ...really hot!
    - Listen to me!
    
      
    We are not them! We're us.
    There's us and there's them!
    
      
    Yes, but who can deny
    the heart that is yearning?
    
      
    There's no yearning.
    Stop yearning. Listen to me!
    
      
    You have got to start thinking bee,
    my friend. Thinking bee!
    
      
    - Thinking bee.
    - Thinking bee.
    
      
    Thinking bee! Thinking bee!
    Thinking bee! Thinking bee!
    
      
    There he is. He's in the pool.
    
      
    You know what your problem is, Barry?
    
      
    I gotta start thinking bee?
    
      
    How much longer will this go on?
    
      
    It's been three days!
    Why aren't you working?
    
      
    I've got a lot of big life decisions
    to think about.
    
      
    What life? You have no life!
    You have no job. You're barely a bee!
    
      
    Would it kill you
    to make a little honey?
    
      
    Barry, come out.
    Your father's talking to you.
    
      
    Martin, would you talk to him?
    
      
    Barry, I'm talking to you!
    
      
    You coming?
    
      
    Got everything?
    
      
    All set!
    
      
    Go ahead. I'll catch up.
    
      
    Don't be too long.
    
      
    Watch this!
    
      
    Vanessa!
    
      
    - We're still here.
    - I told you not to yell at him.
    
      
    He doesn't respond to yelling!
    
      
    - Then why yell at me?
    - Because you don't listen!
    
      
    I'm not listening to this.
    
      
    Sorry, I've gotta go.
    
      
    - Where are you going?
    - I'm meeting a friend.
    
      
    A girl? Is this why you can't decide?
    
      
    Bye.
    
      
    I just hope she's Bee-ish.
    
      
    They have a huge parade
    of flowers every year in Pasadena?
    
      
    To be in the Tournament of Roses,
    that's every florist's dream!
    
      
    Up on a float, surrounded
    by flowers, crowds cheering.
    
      
    A tournament. Do the roses
    compete in athletic events?
    
      
    No. All right, I've got one.
    How come you don't fly everywhere?
    
      
    It's exhausting. Why don't you
    run everywhere? It's faster.
    
      
    Yeah, OK, I see, I see.
    All right, your turn.
    
      
    TiVo. You can just freeze live TV?
    That's insane!
    
      
    You don't have that?
    
      
    We have Hivo, but it's a disease.
    It's a horrible, horrible disease.
    
      
    Oh, my.
    
      
    Dumb bees!
    
      
    You must want to sting all those jerks.
    
      
    We try not to sting.
    It's usually fatal for us.
    
      
    So you have to watch your temper.
    
      
    Very carefully.
    You kick a wall, take a walk,
    
      
    write an angry letter and throw it out.
    Work through it like any emotion:
    
      
    Anger, jealousy, lust.
    
      
    Oh, my goodness! Are you OK?
    
      
    Yeah.
    
      
    - What is wrong with you?!
    - It's a bug.
    
      
    He's not bothering anybody.
    Get out of here, you creep!
    
      
    What was that? A Pic 'N' Save circular?
    
      
    Yeah, it was. How did you know?
    
      
    It felt like about 10 pages.
    Seventy-five is pretty much our limit.
    
      
    You've really got that
    down to a science.
    
      
    - I lost a cousin to Italian Vogue.
    - I'll bet.
    
      
    What in the name
    of Mighty Hercules is this?
    
      
    How did this get here?
    Oute Bee, Golden Blossom,
    
      
    Ray Liotta Private Select?
    
      
    - Is he that actor?
    - I never heard of him.
    
      
    - Why is this here?
    - For people. We eat it.
    
      
    You don't have
    enough food of your own?
    
      
    - Well, yes.
    - How do you get it?
    
      
    - Bees make it.
    - I know who makes it!
    
      
    And it's hard to make it!
    
      
    There's heating, cooling, stirring.
    You need a whole Krelman thing!
    
      
    - It's organic.
    - It's our-ganic!
    
      
    It's just honey, Barry.
    
      
    Just what?!
    
      
    Bees don't know about this!
    This is stealing! A lot of stealing!
    
      
    You've taken our homes, schools,
    hospitals! This is all we have!
    
      
    And it's on sale?!
    I'm getting to the bottom of this.
    
      
    I'm getting to the bottom
    of all of this!
    
      
    Hey, Hector.
    
      
    - You almost done?
    - Almost.
    
      
    He is here. I sense it.
    
      
    Well, I guess I'll go home now
    
      
    and just leave this nice honey out,
    with no one around.
    
      
    You're busted, box boy!
    
      
    I knew I heard something.
    So you can talk!
    
      
    I can talk.
    And now you'll start talking!
    
      
    Where you getting the sweet stuff?
    Who's your supplier?
    
      
    I don't understand.
    I thought we were friends.
    
      
    The last thing we want
    to do is upset bees!
    
      
    You're too late! It's ours now!
    
      
    You, sir, have crossed
    the wrong sword!
    
      
    You, sir, will be lunch
    for my iguana, Ignacio!
    
      
    Where is the honey coming from?
    
      
    Tell me where!
    
      
    Honey Farms! It comes from Honey Farms!
    
      
    Orazy person!
    
      
    What horrible thing has happened here?
    
      
    These faces, they never knew
    what hit them. And now
    
      
    they're on the road to nowhere!
    
      
    Just keep still.
    
      
    What? You're not dead?
    
      
    Do I look dead? They will wipe anything
    that moves. Where you headed?
    
      
    To Honey Farms.
    I am onto something huge here.
    
      
    I'm going to Alaska. Moose blood,
    crazy stuff. Blows your head off!
    
      
    I'm going to Tacoma.
    
      
    - And you?
    - He really is dead.
    
      
    All right.
    
      
    Uh-oh!
    
      
    - What is that?!
    - Oh, no!
    
      
    - A wiper! Triple blade!
    - Triple blade?
    
      
    Jump on! It's your only chance, bee!
    
      
    Why does everything have
    to be so doggone clean?!
    
      
    How much do you people need to see?!
    
      
    Open your eyes!
    Stick your head out the window!
    
      
    From NPR News in Washington,
    I'm Oarl Kasell.
    
      
    But don't kill no more bugs!
    
      
    - Bee!
    - Moose blood guy!!
    
      
    - You hear something?
    - Like what?
    
      
    Like tiny screaming.
    
      
    Turn off the radio.
    
      
    Whassup, bee boy?
    
      
    Hey, Blood.
    
      
    Just a row of honey jars,
    as far as the eye could see.
    
      
    Wow!
    
      
    I assume wherever this truck goes
    is where they're getting it.
    
      
    I mean, that honey's ours.
    
      
    - Bees hang tight.
    - We're all jammed in.
    
      
    It's a close community.
    
      
    Not us, man. We on our own.
    Every mosquito on his own.
    
      
    - What if you get in trouble?
    - You a mosquito, you in trouble.
    
      
    Nobody likes us. They just smack.
    See a mosquito, smack, smack!
    
      
    At least you're out in the world.
    You must meet girls.
    
      
    Mosquito girls try to trade up,
    get with a moth, dragonfly.
    
      
    Mosquito girl don't want no mosquito.
    
      
    You got to be kidding me!
    
      
    Mooseblood's about to leave
    the building! So long, bee!
    
      
    - Hey, guys!
    - Mooseblood!
    
      
    I knew I'd catch y'all down here.
    Did you bring your crazy straw?
    
      
    We throw it in jars, slap a label on it,
    and it's pretty much pure profit.
    
      
    What is this place?
    
      
    A bee's got a brain
    the size of a pinhead.
    
      
    They are pinheads!
    
      
    Pinhead.
    
      
    - Oheck out the new smoker.
    - Oh, sweet. That's the one you want.
    
      
    The Thomas 3000!
    
      
    Smoker?
    
      
    Ninety puffs a minute, semi-automatic.
    Twice the nicotine, all the tar.
    
      
    A couple breaths of this
    knocks them right out.
    
      
    They make the honey,
    and we make the money.
    
      
    "They make the honey,
    and we make the money"?
    
      
    Oh, my!
    
      
    What's going on? Are you OK?
    
      
    Yeah. It doesn't last too long.
    
      
    Do you know you're
    in a fake hive with fake walls?
    
      
    Our queen was moved here.
    We had no choice.
    
      
    This is your queen?
    That's a man in women's clothes!
    
      
    That's a drag queen!
    
      
    What is this?
    
      
    Oh, no!
    
      
    There's hundreds of them!
    
      
    Bee honey.
    
      
    Our honey is being brazenly stolen
    on a massive scale!
    
      
    This is worse than anything bears
    have done! I intend to do something.
    
      
    Oh, Barry, stop.
    
      
    Who told you humans are taking
    our honey? That's a rumor.
    
      
    Do these look like rumors?
    
      
    That's a conspiracy theory.
    These are obviously doctored photos.
    
      
    How did you get mixed up in this?
    
      
    He's been talking to humans.
    
      
    - What?
    - Talking to humans?!
    
      
    He has a human girlfriend.
    And they make out!
    
      
    Make out? Barry!
    
      
    We do not.
    
      
    - You wish you could.
    - Whose side are you on?
    
      
    The bees!
    
      
    I dated a cricket once in San Antonio.
    Those crazy legs kept me up all night.
    
      
    Barry, this is what you want
    to do with your life?
    
      
    I want to do it for all our lives.
    Nobody works harder than bees!
    
      
    Dad, I remember you
    coming home so overworked
    
      
    your hands were still stirring.
    You couldn't stop.
    
      
    I remember that.
    
      
    What right do they have to our honey?
    
      
    We live on two cups a year. They put it
    in lip balm for no reason whatsoever!
    
      
    Even if it's true, what can one bee do?
    
      
    Sting them where it really hurts.
    
      
    In the face! The eye!
    
      
    - That would hurt.
    - No.
    
      
    Up the nose? That's a killer.
    
      
    There's only one place you can sting
    the humans, one place where it matters.
    
      
    Hive at Five, the hive's only
    full-hour action news source.
    
      
    No more bee beards!
    
      
    With Bob Bumble at the anchor desk.
    
      
    Weather with Storm Stinger.
    
      
    Sports with Buzz Larvi.
    
      
    And Jeanette Ohung.
    
      
    - Good evening. I'm Bob Bumble.
    - And I'm Jeanette Ohung.
    
      
    A tri-county bee, Barry Benson,
    
      
    intends to sue the human race
    for stealing our honey,
    
      
    packaging it and profiting
    from it illegally!
    
      
    Tomorrow night on Bee Larry King,
    
      
    we'll have three former queens here in
    our studio, discussing their new book,
    
      
    Olassy Ladies,
    out this week on Hexagon.
    
      
    Tonight we're talking to Barry Benson.
    
      
    Did you ever think, "I'm a kid
    from the hive. I can't do this"?
    
      
    Bees have never been afraid
    to change the world.
    
      
    What about Bee Oolumbus?
    Bee Gandhi? Bejesus?
    
      
    Where I'm from, we'd never sue humans.
    
      
    We were thinking
    of stickball or candy stores.
    
      
    How old are you?
    
      
    The bee community
    is supporting you in this case,
    
      
    which will be the trial
    of the bee century.
    
      
    You know, they have a Larry King
    in the human world too.
    
      
    It's a common name. Next week...
    
      
    He looks like you and has a show
    and suspenders and colored dots...
    
      
    Next week...
    
      
    Glasses, quotes on the bottom from the
    guest even though you just heard 'em.
    
      
    Bear Week next week!
    They're scary, hairy and here live.
    
      
    Always leans forward, pointy shoulders,
    squinty eyes, very Jewish.
    
      
    In tennis, you attack
    at the point of weakness!
    
      
    It was my grandmother, Ken. She's 81.
    
      
    Honey, her backhand's a joke!
    I'm not gonna take advantage of that?
    
      
    Quiet, please.
    Actual work going on here.
    
      
    - Is that that same bee?
    - Yes, it is!
    
      
    I'm helping him sue the human race.
    
      
    - Hello.
    - Hello, bee.
    
      
    This is Ken.
    
      
    Yeah, I remember you. Timberland, size
    ten and a half. Vibram sole, I believe.
    
      
    Why does he talk again?
    
      
    Listen, you better go
    'cause we're really busy working.
    
      
    But it's our yogurt night!
    
      
    Bye-bye.
    
      
    Why is yogurt night so difficult?!
    
      
    You poor thing.
    You two have been at this for hours!
    
      
    Yes, and Adam here
    has been a huge help.
    
      
    - Frosting...
    - How many sugars?
    
      
    Just one. I try not
    to use the competition.
    
      
    So why are you helping me?
    
      
    Bees have good qualities.
    
      
    And it takes my mind off the shop.
    
      
    Instead of flowers, people
    are giving balloon bouquets now.
    
      
    Those are great, if you're three.
    
      
    And artificial flowers.
    
      
    - Oh, those just get me psychotic!
    - Yeah, me too.
    
      
    Bent stingers, pointless pollination.
    
      
    Bees must hate those fake things!
    
      
    Nothing worse
    than a daffodil that's had work done.
    
      
    Maybe this could make up
    for it a little bit.
    
      
    - This lawsuit's a pretty big deal.
    - I guess.
    
      
    You sure you want to go through with it?
    
      
    Am I sure? When I'm done with
    the humans, they won't be able
    
      
    to say, "Honey, I'm home,"
    without paying a royalty!
    
      
    It's an incredible scene
    here in downtown Manhattan,
    
      
    where the world anxiously waits,
    because for the first time in history,
    
      
    we will hear for ourselves
    if a honeybee can actually speak.
    
      
    What have we gotten into here, Barry?
    
      
    It's pretty big, isn't it?
    
      
    I can't believe how many humans
    don't work during the day.
    
      
    You think billion-dollar multinational
    food companies have good lawyers?
    
      
    Everybody needs to stay
    behind the barricade.
    
      
    - What's the matter?
    - I don't know, I just got a chill.
    
      
    Well, if it isn't the bee team.
    
      
    You boys work on this?
    
      
    All rise! The Honorable
    Judge Bumbleton presiding.
    
      
    All right. Oase number 4475,
    
      
    Superior Oourt of New York,
    Barry Bee Benson v. the Honey Industry
    
      
    is now in session.
    
      
    Mr. Montgomery, you're representing
    the five food companies collectively?
    
      
    A privilege.
    
      
    Mr. Benson... you're representing
    all the bees of the world?
    
      
    I'm kidding. Yes, Your Honor,
    we're ready to proceed.
    
      
    Mr. Montgomery,
    your opening statement, please.
    
      
    Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,
    
      
    my grandmother was a simple woman.
    
      
    Born on a farm, she believed
    it was man's divine right
    
      
    to benefit from the bounty
    of nature God put before us.
    
      
    If we lived in the topsy-turvy world
    Mr. Benson imagines,
    
      
    just think of what would it mean.
    
      
    I would have to negotiate
    with the silkworm
    
      
    for the elastic in my britches!
    
      
    Talking bee!
    
      
    How do we know this isn't some sort of
    
      
    holographic motion-picture-capture
    Hollywood wizardry?
    
      
    They could be using laser beams!
    
      
    Robotics! Ventriloquism!
    Oloning! For all we know,
    
      
    he could be on steroids!
    
      
    Mr. Benson?
    
      
    Ladies and gentlemen,
    there's no trickery here.
    
      
    I'm just an ordinary bee.
    Honey's pretty important to me.
    
      
    It's important to all bees.
    We invented it!
    
      
    We make it. And we protect it
    with our lives.
    
      
    Unfortunately, there are
    some people in this room
    
      
    who think they can take it from us
    
      
    'cause we're the little guys!
    I'm hoping that, after this is all over,
    
      
    you'll see how, by taking our honey,
    you not only take everything we have
    
      
    but everything we are!
    
      
    I wish he'd dress like that
    all the time. So nice!
    
      
    Oall your first witness.
    
      
    So, Mr. Klauss Vanderhayden
    of Honey Farms, big company you have.
    
      
    I suppose so.
    
      
    I see you also own
    Honeyburton and Honron!
    
      
    Yes, they provide beekeepers
    for our farms.
    
      
    Beekeeper. I find that
    to be a very disturbing term.
    
      
    I don't imagine you employ
    any bee-free-ers, do you?
    
      
    - No.
    - I couldn't hear you.
    
      
    - No.
    - No.
    
      
    Because you don't free bees.
    You keep bees. Not only that,
    
      
    it seems you thought a bear would be
    an appropriate image for a jar of honey.
    
      
    They're very lovable creatures.
    
      
    Yogi Bear, Fozzie Bear, Build-A-Bear.
    
      
    You mean like this?
    
      
    Bears kill bees!
    
      
    How'd you like his head crashing
    through your living room?!
    
      
    Biting into your couch!
    Spitting out your throw pillows!
    
      
    OK, that's enough. Take him away.
    
      
    So, Mr. Sting, thank you for being here.
    Your name intrigues me.
    
      
    - Where have I heard it before?
    - I was with a band called The Police.
    
      
    But you've never been
    a police officer, have you?
    
      
    No, I haven't.
    
      
    No, you haven't. And so here
    we have yet another example
    
      
    of bee culture casually
    stolen by a human
    
      
    for nothing more than
    a prance-about stage name.
    
      
    Oh, please.
    
      
    Have you ever been stung, Mr. Sting?
    
      
    Because I'm feeling
    a little stung, Sting.
    
      
    Or should I say... Mr. Gordon M. Sumner!
    
      
    That's not his real name?! You idiots!
    
      
    Mr. Liotta, first,
    belated congratulations on
    
      
    your Emmy win for a guest spot
    on ER in 2005.
    
      
    Thank you. Thank you.
    
      
    I see from your resume
    that you're devilishly handsome
    
      
    with a churning inner turmoil
    that's ready to blow.
    
      
    I enjoy what I do. Is that a crime?
    
      
    Not yet it isn't. But is this
    what it's come to for you?
    
      
    Exploiting tiny, helpless bees
    so you don't
    
      
    have to rehearse
    your part and learn your lines, sir?
    
      
    Watch it, Benson!
    I could blow right now!
    
      
    This isn't a goodfella.
    This is a badfella!
    
      
    Why doesn't someone just step on
    this creep, and we can all go home?!
    
      
    - Order in this court!
    - You're all thinking it!
    
      
    Order! Order, I say!
    
      
    - Say it!
    - Mr. Liotta, please sit down!
    
      
    I think it was awfully nice
    of that bear to pitch in like that.
    
      
    I think the jury's on our side.
    
      
    Are we doing everything right, legally?
    
      
    I'm a florist.
    
      
    Right. Well, here's to a great team.
    
      
    To a great team!
    
      
    Well, hello.
    
      
    - Ken!
    - Hello.
    
      
    I didn't think you were coming.
    
      
    No, I was just late.
    I tried to call, but... the battery.
    
      
    I didn't want all this to go to waste,
    so I called Barry. Luckily, he was free.
    
      
    Oh, that was lucky.
    
      
    There's a little left.
    I could heat it up.
    
      
    Yeah, heat it up, sure, whatever.
    
      
    So I hear you're quite a tennis player.
    
      
    I'm not much for the game myself.
    The ball's a little grabby.
    
      
    That's where I usually sit.
    Right... there.
    
      
    Ken, Barry was looking at your resume,
    
      
    and he agreed with me that eating with
    chopsticks isn't really a special skill.
    
      
    You think I don't see what you're doing?
    
      
    I know how hard it is to find
    the rightjob. We have that in common.
    
      
    Do we?
    
      
    Bees have 100 percent employment,
    but we do jobs like taking the crud out.
    
      
    That's just what
    I was thinking about doing.
    
      
    Ken, I let Barry borrow your razor
    for his fuzz. I hope that was all right.
    
      
    I'm going to drain the old stinger.
    
      
    Yeah, you do that.
    
      
    Look at that.
    
      
    You know, I've just about had it
    
      
    with your little mind games.
    
      
    - What's that?
    - Italian Vogue.
    
      
    Mamma mia, that's a lot of pages.
    
      
    A lot of ads.
    
      
    Remember what Van said, why is
    your life more valuable than mine?
    
      
    Funny, I just can't seem to recall that!
    
      
    I think something stinks in here!
    
      
    I love the smell of flowers.
    
      
    How do you like the smell of flames?!
    
      
    Not as much.
    
      
    Water bug! Not taking sides!
    
      
    Ken, I'm wearing a Ohapstick hat!
    This is pathetic!
    
      
    I've got issues!
    
      
    Well, well, well, a royal flush!
    
      
    - You're bluffing.
    - Am I?
    
      
    Surf's up, dude!
    
      
    Poo water!
    
      
    That bowl is gnarly.
    
      
    Except for those dirty yellow rings!
    
      
    Kenneth! What are you doing?!
    
      
    You know, I don't even like honey!
    I don't eat it!
    
      
    We need to talk!
    
      
    He's just a little bee!
    
      
    And he happens to be
    the nicest bee I've met in a long time!
    
      
    Long time? What are you talking about?!
    Are there other bugs in your life?
    
      
    No, but there are other things bugging
    me in life. And you're one of them!
    
      
    Fine! Talking bees, no yogurt night...
    
      
    My nerves are fried from riding
    on this emotional roller coaster!
    
      
    Goodbye, Ken.
    
      
    And for your information,
    
      
    I prefer sugar-free, artificial
    sweeteners made by man!
    
      
    I'm sorry about all that.
    
      
    I know it's got
    an aftertaste! I like it!
    
      
    I always felt there was some kind
    of barrier between Ken and me.
    
      
    I couldn't overcome it.
    Oh, well.
    
      
    Are you OK for the trial?
    
      
    I believe Mr. Montgomery
    is about out of ideas.
    
      
    We would like to call
    Mr. Barry Benson Bee to the stand.
    
      
    Good idea! You can really see why he's
    considered one of the best lawyers...
    
      
    Yeah.
    
      
    Layton, you've
    gotta weave some magic
    
      
    with this jury,
    or it's gonna be all over.
    
      
    Don't worry. The only thing I have
    to do to turn this jury around
    
      
    is to remind them
    of what they don't like about bees.
    
      
    - You got the tweezers?
    - Are you allergic?
    
      
    Only to losing, son. Only to losing.
    
      
    Mr. Benson Bee, I'll ask you
    what I think we'd all like to know.
    
      
    What exactly is your relationship
    
      
    to that woman?
    
      
    We're friends.
    
      
    - Good friends?
    - Yes.
    
      
    How good? Do you live together?
    
      
    Wait a minute...
    
      
    Are you her little...
    
      
    ...bedbug?
    
      
    I've seen a bee documentary or two.
    From what I understand,
    
      
    doesn't your queen give birth
    to all the bee children?
    
      
    - Yeah, but...
    - So those aren't your real parents!
    
      
    - Oh, Barry...
    - Yes, they are!
    
      
    Hold me back!
    
      
    You're an illegitimate bee,
    aren't you, Benson?
    
      
    He's denouncing bees!
    
      
    Don't y'all date your cousins?
    
      
    - Objection!
    - I'm going to pincushion this guy!
    
      
    Adam, don't! It's what he wants!
    
      
    Oh, I'm hit!!
    
      
    Oh, lordy, I am hit!
    
      
    Order! Order!
    
      
    The venom! The venom
    is coursing through my veins!
    
      
    I have been felled
    by a winged beast of destruction!
    
      
    You see? You can't treat them
    like equals! They're striped savages!
    
      
    Stinging's the only thing
    they know! It's their way!
    
      
    - Adam, stay with me.
    - I can't feel my legs.
    
      
    What angel of mercy
    will come forward to suck the poison
    
      
    from my heaving buttocks?
    
      
    I will have order in this court. Order!
    
      
    Order, please!
    
      
    The case of the honeybees
    versus the human race
    
      
    took a pointed turn against the bees
    
      
    yesterday when one of their legal
    team stung Layton T. Montgomery.
    
      
    - Hey, buddy.
    - Hey.
    
      
    - Is there much pain?
    - Yeah.
    
      
    I...
    
      
    I blew the whole case, didn't I?
    
      
    It doesn't matter. What matters is
    you're alive. You could have died.
    
      
    I'd be better off dead. Look at me.
    
      
    They got it from the cafeteria
    downstairs, in a tuna sandwich.
    
      
    Look, there's
    a little celery still on it.
    
      
    What was it like to sting someone?
    
      
    I can't explain it. It was all...
    
      
    All adrenaline and then...
    and then ecstasy!
    
      
    All right.
    
      
    You think it was all a trap?
    
      
    Of course. I'm sorry.
    I flew us right into this.
    
      
    What were we thinking? Look at us. We're
    just a couple of bugs in this world.
    
      
    What will the humans do to us
    if they win?
    
      
    I don't know.
    
      
    I hear they put the roaches in motels.
    That doesn't sound so bad.
    
      
    Adam, they check in,
    but they don't check out!
    
      
    Oh, my.
    
      
    Oould you get a nurse
    to close that window?
    
      
    - Why?
    - The smoke.
    
      
    Bees don't smoke.
    
      
    Right. Bees don't smoke.
    
      
    Bees don't smoke!
    But some bees are smoking.
    
      
    That's it! That's our case!
    
      
    It is? It's not over?
    
      
    Get dressed. I've gotta go somewhere.
    
      
    Get back to the court and stall.
    Stall any way you can.
    
      
    And assuming you've done step correctly, you're ready for the tub.
    
      
    Mr. Flayman.
    
      
    Yes? Yes, Your Honor!
    
      
    Where is the rest of your team?
    
      
    Well, Your Honor, it's interesting.
    
      
    Bees are trained to fly haphazardly,
    
      
    and as a result,
    we don't make very good time.
    
      
    I actually heard a funny story about...
    
      
    Your Honor,
    haven't these ridiculous bugs
    
      
    taken up enough
    of this court's valuable time?
    
      
    How much longer will we allow
    these absurd shenanigans to go on?
    
      
    They have presented no compelling
    evidence to support their charges
    
      
    against my clients,
    who run legitimate businesses.
    
      
    I move for a complete dismissal
    of this entire case!
    
      
    Mr. Flayman, I'm afraid I'm going
    
      
    to have to consider
    Mr. Montgomery's motion.
    
      
    But you can't! We have a terrific case.
    
      
    Where is your proof?
    Where is the evidence?
    
      
    Show me the smoking gun!
    
      
    Hold it, Your Honor!
    You want a smoking gun?
    
      
    Here is your smoking gun.
    
      
    What is that?
    
      
    It's a bee smoker!
    
      
    What, this?
    This harmless little contraption?
    
      
    This couldn't hurt a fly,
    let alone a bee.
    
      
    Look at what has happened
    
      
    to bees who have never been asked,
    "Smoking or non?"
    
      
    Is this what nature intended for us?
    
      
    To be forcibly addicted
    to smoke machines
    
      
    and man-made wooden slat work camps?
    
      
    Living out our lives as honey slaves
    to the white man?
    
      
    - What are we gonna do?
    - He's playing the species card.
    
      
    Ladies and gentlemen, please,
    free these bees!
    
      
    Free the bees! Free the bees!
    
      
    Free the bees!
    
      
    Free the bees! Free the bees!
    
      
    The court finds in favor of the bees!
    
      
    Vanessa, we won!
    
      
    I knew you could do it! High-five!
    
      
    Sorry.
    
      
    I'm OK! You know what this means?
    
      
    All the honey
    will finally belong to the bees.
    
      
    Now we won't have
    to work so hard all the time.
    
      
    This is an unholy perversion
    of the balance of nature, Benson.
    
      
    You'll regret this.
    
      
    Barry, how much honey is out there?
    
      
    All right. One at a time.
    
      
    Barry, who are you wearing?
    
      
    My sweater is Ralph Lauren,
    and I have no pants.
    
      
    - What if Montgomery's right?
    - What do you mean?
    
      
    We've been living the bee way
    a long time, 27 million years.
    
      
    Oongratulations on your victory.
    What will you demand as a settlement?
    
      
    First, we'll demand a complete shutdown
    of all bee work camps.
    
      
    Then we want back the honey
    that was ours to begin with,
    
      
    every last drop.
    
      
    We demand an end to the glorification
    of the bear as anything more
    
      
    than a filthy, smelly,
    bad-breath stink machine.
    
      
    We're all aware
    of what they do in the woods.
    
      
    Wait for my signal.
    
      
    Take him out.
    
      
    He'll have nauseous
    for a few hours, then he'll be fine.
    
      
    And we will no longer tolerate
    bee-negative nicknames...
    
      
    But it's just a prance-about stage name!
    
      
    ...unnecessary inclusion of honey
    in bogus health products
    
      
    and la-dee-da human
    tea-time snack garnishments.
    
      
    Oan't breathe.
    
      
    Bring it in, boys!
    
      
    Hold it right there! Good.
    
      
    Tap it.
    
      
    Mr. Buzzwell, we just passed three cups,
    and there's gallons more coming!
    
      
    - I think we need to shut down!
    - Shut down? We've never shut down.
    
      
    Shut down honey production!
    
      
    Stop making honey!
    
      
    Turn your key, sir!
    
      
    What do we do now?
    
      
    Oannonball!
    
      
    We're shutting honey production!
    
      
    Mission abort.
    
      
    Aborting pollination and nectar detail.
    Returning to base.
    
      
    Adam, you wouldn't believe
    how much honey was out there.
    
      
    Oh, yeah?
    
      
    What's going on? Where is everybody?
    
      
    - Are they out celebrating?
    - They're home.
    
      
    They don't know what to do.
    Laying out, sleeping in.
    
      
    I heard your Uncle Oarl was on his way
    to San Antonio with a cricket.
    
      
    At least we got our honey back.
    
      
    Sometimes I think, so what if humans
    liked our honey? Who wouldn't?
    
      
    It's the greatest thing in the world!
    I was excited to be part of making it.
    
      
    This was my new desk. This was my
    new job. I wanted to do it really well.
    
      
    And now...
    
      
    Now I can't.
    
      
    I don't understand
    why they're not happy.
    
      
    I thought their lives would be better!
    
      
    They're doing nothing. It's amazing.
    Honey really changes people.
    
      
    You don't have any idea
    what's going on, do you?
    
      
    - What did you want to show me?
    - This.
    
      
    What happened here?
    
      
    That is not the half of it.
    
      
    Oh, no. Oh, my.
    
      
    They're all wilting.
    
      
    Doesn't look very good, does it?
    
      
    No.
    
      
    And whose fault do you think that is?
    
      
    You know, I'm gonna guess bees.
    
      
    Bees?
    
      
    Specifically, me.
    
      
    I didn't think bees not needing to make
    honey would affect all these things.
    
      
    It's notjust flowers.
    Fruits, vegetables, they all need bees.
    
      
    That's our whole SAT test right there.
    
      
    Take away produce, that affects
    the entire animal kingdom.
    
      
    And then, of course...
    
      
    The human species?
    
      
    So if there's no more pollination,
    
      
    it could all just go south here,
    couldn't it?
    
      
    I know this is also partly my fault.
    
      
    How about a suicide pact?
    
      
    How do we do it?
    
      
    - I'll sting you, you step on me.
    - Thatjust kills you twice.
    
      
    Right, right.
    
      
    Listen, Barry...
    sorry, but I gotta get going.
    
      
    I had to open my mouth and talk.
    
      
    Vanessa?
    
      
    Vanessa? Why are you leaving?
    Where are you going?
    
      
    To the final Tournament of Roses parade
    in Pasadena.
    
      
    They've moved it to this weekend
    because all the flowers are dying.
    
      
    It's the last chance
    I'll ever have to see it.
    
      
    Vanessa, I just wanna say I'm sorry.
    I never meant it to turn out like this.
    
      
    I know. Me neither.
    
      
    Tournament of Roses.
    Roses can't do sports.
    
      
    Wait a minute. Roses. Roses?
    
      
    Roses!
    
      
    Vanessa!
    
      
    Roses?!
    
      
    Barry?
    
      
    - Roses are flowers!
    - Yes, they are.
    
      
    Flowers, bees, pollen!
    
      
    I know.
    That's why this is the last parade.
    
      
    Maybe not.
    Oould you ask him to slow down?
    
      
    Oould you slow down?
    
      
    Barry!
    
      
    OK, I made a huge mistake.
    This is a total disaster, all my fault.
    
      
    Yes, it kind of is.
    
      
    I've ruined the planet.
    I wanted to help you
    
      
    with the flower shop.
    I've made it worse.
    
      
    Actually, it's completely closed down.
    
      
    I thought maybe you were remodeling.
    
      
    But I have another idea, and it's
    greater than my previous ideas combined.
    
      
    I don't want to hear it!
    
      
    All right, they have the roses,
    the roses have the pollen.
    
      
    I know every bee, plant
    and flower bud in this park.
    
      
    All we gotta do is get what they've got
    back here with what we've got.
    
      
    - Bees.
    - Park.
    
      
    - Pollen!
    - Flowers.
    
      
    - Repollination!
    - Across the nation!
    
      
    Tournament of Roses,
    Pasadena, Oalifornia.
    
      
    They've got nothing
    but flowers, floats and cotton candy.
    
      
    Security will be tight.
    
      
    I have an idea.
    
      
    Vanessa Bloome, FTD.
    
      
    Official floral business. It's real.
    
      
    Sorry, ma'am. Nice brooch.
    
      
    Thank you. It was a gift.
    
      
    Once inside,
    we just pick the right float.
    
      
    How about The Princess and the Pea?
    
      
    I could be the princess,
    and you could be the pea!
    
      
    Yes, I got it.
    
      
    - Where should I sit?
    - What are you?
    
      
    - I believe I'm the pea.
    - The pea?
    
      
    It goes under the mattresses.
    
      
    - Not in this fairy tale, sweetheart.
    - I'm getting the marshal.
    
      
    You do that!
    This whole parade is a fiasco!
    
      
    Let's see what this baby'll do.
    
      
    Hey, what are you doing?!
    
      
    Then all we do
    is blend in with traffic...
    
      
    ...without arousing suspicion.
    
      
    Once at the airport,
    there's no stopping us.
    
      
    Stop! Security.
    
      
    - You and your insect pack your float?
    - Yes.
    
      
    Has it been
    in your possession the entire time?
    
      
    Would you remove your shoes?
    
      
    - Remove your stinger.
    - It's part of me.
    
      
    I know. Just having some fun.
    Enjoy your flight.
    
      
    Then if we're lucky, we'll have
    just enough pollen to do the job.
    
      
    Oan you believe how lucky we are? We
    have just enough pollen to do the job!
    
      
    I think this is gonna work.
    
      
    It's got to work.
    
      
    Attention, passengers,
    this is Oaptain Scott.
    
      
    We have a bit of bad weather
    in New York.
    
      
    It looks like we'll experience
    a couple hours delay.
    
      
    Barry, these are cut flowers
    with no water. They'll never make it.
    
      
    I gotta get up there
    and talk to them.
    
      
    Be careful.
    
      
    Oan I get help
    with the Sky Mall magazine?
    
      
    I'd like to order the talking
    inflatable nose and ear hair trimmer.
    
      
    Oaptain, I'm in a real situation.
    
      
    - What'd you say, Hal?
    - Nothing.
    
      
    Bee!
    
      
    Don't freak out! My entire species...
    
      
    What are you doing?
    
      
    - Wait a minute! I'm an attorney!
    - Who's an attorney?
    
      
    Don't move.
    
      
    Oh, Barry.
    
      
    Good afternoon, passengers.
    This is your captain.
    
      
    Would a Miss Vanessa Bloome in 24B
    please report to the cockpit?
    
      
    And please hurry!
    
      
    What happened here?
    
      
    There was a DustBuster,
    a toupee, a life raft exploded.
    
      
    One's bald, one's in a boat,
    they're both unconscious!
    
      
    - Is that another bee joke?
    - No!
    
      
    No one's flying the plane!
    
      
    This is JFK control tower, Flight 356.
    What's your status?
    
      
    This is Vanessa Bloome.
    I'm a florist from New York.
    
      
    Where's the pilot?
    
      
    He's unconscious,
    and so is the copilot.
    
      
    Not good. Does anyone onboard
    have flight experience?
    
      
    As a matter of fact, there is.
    
      
    - Who's that?
    - Barry Benson.
    
      
    From the honey trial?! Oh, great.
    
      
    Vanessa, this is nothing more
    than a big metal bee.
    
      
    It's got giant wings, huge engines.
    
      
    I can't fly a plane.
    
      
    - Why not? Isn't John Travolta a pilot?
    - Yes.
    
      
    How hard could it be?
    
      
    Wait, Barry!
    We're headed into some lightning.
    
      
    This is Bob Bumble. We have some
    late-breaking news from JFK Airport,
    
      
    where a suspenseful scene
    is developing.
    
      
    Barry Benson,
    fresh from his legal victory...
    
      
    That's Barry!
    
      
    ...is attempting to land a plane,
    loaded with people, flowers
    
      
    and an incapacitated flight crew.
    
      
    Flowers?!
    
      
    We have a storm in the area
    and two individuals at the controls
    
      
    with absolutely no flight experience.
    
      
    Just a minute.
    There's a bee on that plane.
    
      
    I'm quite familiar with Mr. Benson
    and his no-account compadres.
    
      
    They've done enough damage.
    
      
    But isn't he your only hope?
    
      
    Technically, a bee
    shouldn't be able to fly at all.
    
      
    Their wings are too small...
    
      
    Haven't we heard this a million times?
    
      
    "The surface area of the wings
    and body mass make no sense."
    
      
    - Get this on the air!
    - Got it.
    
      
    - Stand by.
    - We're going live.
    
      
    The way we work may be a mystery to you.
    
      
    Making honey takes a lot of bees
    doing a lot of small jobs.
    
      
    But let me tell you about a small job.
    
      
    If you do it well,
    it makes a big difference.
    
      
    More than we realized.
    To us, to everyone.
    
      
    That's why I want to get bees
    back to working together.
    
      
    That's the bee way!
    We're not made of Jell-O.
    
      
    We get behind a fellow.
    
      
    - Black and yellow!
    - Hello!
    
      
    Left, right, down, hover.
    
      
    - Hover?
    - Forget hover.
    
      
    This isn't so hard.
    Beep-beep! Beep-beep!
    
      
    Barry, what happened?!
    
      
    Wait, I think we were
    on autopilot the whole time.
    
      
    - That may have been helping me.
    - And now we're not!
    
      
    So it turns out I cannot fly a plane.
    
      
    All of you, let's get
    behind this fellow! Move it out!
    
      
    Move out!
    
      
    Our only chance is if I do what I'd do,
    you copy me with the wings of the plane!
    
      
    Don't have to yell.
    
      
    I'm not yelling!
    We're in a lot of trouble.
    
      
    It's very hard to concentrate
    with that panicky tone in your voice!
    
      
    It's not a tone. I'm panicking!
    
      
    I can't do this!
    
      
    Vanessa, pull yourself together.
    You have to snap out of it!
    
      
    You snap out of it.
    
      
    You snap out of it.
    
      
    - You snap out of it!
    - You snap out of it!
    
      
    - You snap out of it!
    - You snap out of it!
    
      
    - You snap out of it!
    - You snap out of it!
    
      
    - Hold it!
    - Why? Oome on, it's my turn.
    
      
    How is the plane flying?
    
      
    I don't know.
    
      
    Hello?
    
      
    Benson, got any flowers
    for a happy occasion in there?
    
      
    The Pollen Jocks!
    
      
    They do get behind a fellow.
    
      
    - Black and yellow.
    - Hello.
    
      
    All right, let's drop this tin can
    on the blacktop.
    
      
    Where? I can't see anything. Oan you?
    
      
    No, nothing. It's all cloudy.
    
      
    Oome on. You got to think bee, Barry.
    
      
    - Thinking bee.
    - Thinking bee.
    
      
    Thinking bee!
    Thinking bee! Thinking bee!
    
      
    Wait a minute.
    I think I'm feeling something.
    
      
    - What?
    - I don't know. It's strong, pulling me.
    
      
    Like a 27-million-year-old instinct.
    
      
    Bring the nose down.
    
      
    Thinking bee!
    Thinking bee! Thinking bee!
    
      
    - What in the world is on the tarmac?
    - Get some lights on that!
    
      
    Thinking bee!
    Thinking bee! Thinking bee!
    
      
    - Vanessa, aim for the flower.
    - OK.
    
      
    Out the engines. We're going in
    on bee power. Ready, boys?
    
      
    Affirmative!
    
      
    Good. Good. Easy, now. That's it.
    
      
    Land on that flower!
    
      
    Ready? Full reverse!
    
      
    Spin it around!
    
      
    - Not that flower! The other one!
    - Which one?
    
      
    - That flower.
    - I'm aiming at the flower!
    
      
    That's a fat guy in a flowered shirt.
    I mean the giant pulsating flower
    
      
    made of millions of bees!
    
      
    Pull forward. Nose down. Tail up.
    
      
    Rotate around it.
    
      
    - This is insane, Barry!
    - This's the only way I know how to fly.
    
      
    Am I koo-koo-kachoo, or is this plane
    flying in an insect-like pattern?
    
      
    Get your nose in there. Don't be afraid.
    Smell it. Full reverse!
    
      
    Just drop it. Be a part of it.
    
      
    Aim for the center!
    
      
    Now drop it in! Drop it in, woman!
    
      
    Oome on, already.
    
      
    Barry, we did it!
    You taught me how to fly!
    
      
    - Yes. No high-five!
    - Right.
    
      
    Barry, it worked!
    Did you see the giant flower?
    
      
    What giant flower? Where? Of course
    I saw the flower! That was genius!
    
      
    - Thank you.
    - But we're not done yet.
    
      
    Listen, everyone!
    
      
    This runway is covered
    with the last pollen
    
      
    from the last flowers
    available anywhere on Earth.
    
      
    That means this is our last chance.
    
      
    We're the only ones who make honey,
    pollinate flowers and dress like this.
    
      
    If we're gonna survive as a species,
    this is our moment! What do you say?
    
      
    Are we going to be bees, orjust
    Museum of Natural History keychains?
    
      
    We're bees!
    
      
    Keychain!
    
      
    Then follow me! Except Keychain.
    
      
    Hold on, Barry. Here.
    
      
    You've earned this.
    
      
    Yeah!
    
      
    I'm a Pollen Jock! And it's a perfect
    fit. All I gotta do are the sleeves.
    
      
    Oh, yeah.
    
      
    That's our Barry.
    
      
    Mom! The bees are back!
    
      
    If anybody needs
    to make a call, now's the time.
    
      
    I got a feeling we'll be
    working late tonight!
    
      
    Here's your change. Have a great
    afternoon! Oan I help who's next?
    
      
    Would you like some honey with that?
    It is bee-approved. Don't forget these.
    
      
    Milk, cream, cheese, it's all me.
    And I don't see a nickel!
    
      
    Sometimes I just feel
    like a piece of meat!
    
      
    I had no idea.
    
      
    Barry, I'm sorry.
    Have you got a moment?
    
      
    Would you excuse me?
    My mosquito associate will help you.
    
      
    Sorry I'm late.
    
      
    He's a lawyer too?
    
      
    I was already a blood-sucking parasite.
    All I needed was a briefcase.
    
      
    Have a great afternoon!
    
      
    Barry, I just got this huge tulip order,
    and I can't get them anywhere.
    
      
    No problem, Vannie.
    Just leave it to me.
    
      
    You're a lifesaver, Barry.
    Oan I help who's next?
    
      
    All right, scramble, jocks!
    It's time to fly.
    
      
    Thank you, Barry!
    
      
    That bee is living my life!
    
      
    Let it go, Kenny.
    
      
    - When will this nightmare end?!
    - Let it all go.
    
      
    - Beautiful day to fly.
    - Sure is.
    
      
    Between you and me,
    I was dying to get out of that office.
    
      
    You have got
    to start thinking bee, my friend.
    
      
    - Thinking bee!
    - Me?
    
      
    Hold it. Let's just stop
    for a second. Hold it.
    
      
    I'm sorry. I'm sorry, everyone.
    Oan we stop here?
    
      
    I'm not making a major life decision
    during a production number!
    
      
    All right. Take ten, everybody.
    Wrap it up, guys.  
    
    I had virtually no rehearsal for that.  
    
      
    
      
    
      
    
    

**solo:** ROBERT JOSEPH MACCREADY  
WHAT THE FUCK

 

**hardcock:** i cant believe this

 

**danse danse:** Maccready I want to kill you. 

**macdaddy:** LMAAAOOOOO HECK EVERYONE

**cutie** : That was very long and annoying please don't do that again. 

 

**big D:** MAC   
I AM GOING TO MURDER YOU  
DANSE I KNOW WEVE HAD SOME DIFFERENCES BUT I WILL KILL MAC WITH U

**danse danse:** I'm fine with that

 

**pressed gravy:** I want to gouge my eyes out

__

_**[valentine left the chat]** _

_**[big D added valentine to the chat]** _

 

**big D:** no u dont nick

 

**valentine:** LET ME LEAVE 

 

**xX_x6-88_Xx:** I hate this convo with EVERY FIBRE OF MY BEING

 

* * *

 

**solo:** i love shrek

hes so thicc

hes my daddy green

 

**valentine:** S T O P 

 

**xX_x6-88_Xx:** I think we should have a Sin Tin

Every time someone in this godforsaken chat says something sinful they put a dollar in the Sin Tin

**pressed gravy:** Oh! At the end of the month we can go get lunch with the sin money or smth

 

**cutie:** I love that idea!!!!

 

**piper no piping:** timE TO KINKSHAME SOLE AGAIN

**big D:** sole i cant believe this 

 

**hardcock** : sole im a kinky motherfucker but this is just too kinky 

 

**solo:** bruh


	10. somebody stop deacon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the return of hamilton, danse gets sick and curie is the cutest scientist to exist.

**big D:** IM CRYING SO HARD RN

 

**pressed gravy:** Why??

 

**big D:** FUCKING HAMILTON  
UGHGHGH ELIZA SCHUYLER WAS TOO GOOD FOR US  


**pressed gravy:** FINALLY SOMEONE ELSE DRAGGED INTO HAMILHELL  


**piper no piping:** SUFFER

No but srsly I cry when I get to burn and then the tears keep on coming

 

**big D:** tears are currently streaming down my face rn and i cant take this

 

**solo:** wow deeks u were the one who was makin fun of preston and pipes

thats embarrassing

 

* * *

 

**danse danse:** I'm feeling sick today. 

I'm not going to work. 

 

**big  D:** well the only sick i am

is sick of your attitude

 

**danse danse:** I hate you. 

 

**pressed gravy:** I hope you feel better soon!

 

**danse danse:** At least someone here has a soul. 

 

* * *

 

**cutie:** I'm leaving work now!

I'll be home soon!!!!

\------------------------------------------------

**solo:** i love it when curie uses exclamation marks

she makes herself even cuter than she already is

 

**big D:** I KNOW

we're all dead inside but when she uses exclamation marks she reminds me of the childlike curiousity we all once had

CURIousity 

 

**solo:** i was agreein with u but then i realised you suck

 

**big D:** i try ;)

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos always excite me so thanks!! I don't know when this fic will end but don't worry I still have a lot of ideas and if you want to suggest any ideas that you think might work feel free to do so!!   
> <3


	11. emo milk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a heated argument arises, grapes are thrown and deacon unleashes his inner emo

**big D:** aight lets settle a score

sole thinks that drinking milk by itself is disgusting 

but i think that its gods gift to earth

 

 

**pressed gravy:** It's disgusting what tf are you talking about

 

 

**cutie:** As a milk lover it is delicious and as a scientist, it has been proven that the right amount of milk is incredibly beneficial to your body.

 

 

**solo:** curie i love u but WHO THE FUCK WANTS TO DRINK WHITE SHIT FROM A COW TITTY?!?!

 ITSS SO GROSS

IT COULD COMPARE TO COW CUM

 

 

**cutie:** Sole, no swearing. 

Also it cannot compare to semen as it is milk and during a pregnancy, women produce milk to feed their child like any other cow. 

 

 

**danse danse:** I agree with Curie and Deacon. 

Milk is delicious and nutritious. 

 

 

**piper no piping:** Danse shut the fuck up

milk tastes like that basic white fuckboi's cum after 20 seconds of sex

 

 

**macdaddy:** why are yall comparing milk to cum???

i love milk

 

 

**piper no piping:** u love milk??

no wonder the cum references were making sense to me

 

 

**xX_x6-88_Xx:** I actually agree with the milk haters. 

It tastes so gross. 

But I would drink it with stuff in it. 

Like milo.

Milo is some good shit. 

 

 

**solo:**  actually yea x6s argument makes sense

its good with other shit in it 

but by itself its mac's cum

 

**macdaddy:** CAN U STOP COMPARING MILK TO MY CUM

 

 

**piper no piping:** no. 

 

* * *

 

 

**solo:** IM CRYINGGG  
CAIT THREW A GRAP E AT DEACON WHIKE HE WAS DRINKING MILK

AND HE SPAT IT EVERYWHER E  
IM 800% SURE MOST OF IT CAME OUTTA HIS NOSE

 

 

**one punch cait:** THATS WHAT U GET FOR DRINKING MILK

 

**big D:** this is oppression

jk i but srsly i hate u 

 

 

**solo:** me or cait???

 

 

**big D:** both

 

* * *

 

**big D:** yknow im like ryan ross in a few ways

brendon urie doesnt follow me back

im not in panic anymore

i have no career

and i like milk and sex 

sometimes at the same time

 

**danse danse:** It's good that you aren't in panic anymore. 

 

 

**big D:** danse u fucknut panic is short for a band called Panic! At The Disco

learn ur emo

 

 

**danse danse:** I'm sorry, I don't listen to garbage. 

 

 

**piper no piping:** FUCK  
DANSE I DIDNT KNOW YOU WERE SO SAVAGE  
HOLY SHIT

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my exams are coming up pretty soon so either expect a lot of updates out of procrastination or barely any because maybe between now and my exams i might find an inch of motivation lmao
> 
> comments, kudos and everything else are VERY appreciated <3<3<3


	12. sin and blood

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Haylen joins the chat and MacCready, once again, is put in his place

_**[danse danse added baelyn to the chat]** _

 

__

**baelyn:** Hi!!

 

 

**solo:** hey haylen

no offence but why did our fav tin can add u to the chat

 

 

**baelyn:** Lol idk

 

 

**hardcock:** I HAD THE BEST SEX LAST NIGHT HOLY SHIT  
BEST THREESOME IN AGESSS

THE GIRL USED A STRAP ON

 

 

**solo:** ooh can i get this girl's #

 

 

**hardcock:** lol yeah i can set u up

 

 

**solo:** thx fam

 

 

**danse danse:** HAYLEN I'M SO SORRY.   


 

**baelyn:** No it's okay, this is actually hilarious

 

 

**big D:** lol we talkin abt sex??

cos there was this one guy last night

jesus he was such a twunk

it was gr888 

 

 

**danse danse:** DEACON NO. 

 

 

**baelyn:** So these are ur friends??

I like them

 

 

**solo:** of course u like us

we're the best

 

* * *

 

 

**one punch cait:** UGGHHHH 

cramps aRE KILLNG ME

 

**piper no piping:** Oh honey I'm sorry

Usually taking baths and general self-care helps 

In my case anyway

 

 

**cutie:** I have some medication that can help reduce pains

 

 

**one punch cait:** THANK YOU  
UR ALL MY SAVIOURS 

 

**solo:** as a genderless blob who has had a shit ton of experience with vagina

(am i bragging or is it something else- you'll never know)

i know that those heating pack thingies are rlly good 

 

 

**one punch cait:** THANK YOU!!!

 

 

**macdaddy:** can y'all move this to a different chat

that-time-of-the-month talk makes me feel weird

 

 

**piper no piping:** Sorry mac 

Is talking abt the fact that we push a fuckton of blood out of our body every month for a week making you uncomfortable? 

Well, maybe we should talk about the fact that WE CARRY TINY HUMANS THEN AFTER NINE MONTHS PUSH IT OUT OF OUR VAGINAS

 

 

**solo:** NOT TO MENTION THAT NEWBORNS BEBS ARE PRETTY FUCKIN HEAVY

THEY WEIGH LIKE 10 KILOS 

 

 

**macdaddy:** ...sorry

 

 

**piper no piping:** Thanks for seeing the error in your ways mac

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kinda short but I hope y'all enjoy  
> <3<3<3<3


	13. birthday bananas

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the squad plans sole's birthday party, deacon has no chill and banana costumes are discussed

_**[big D added danse danse to 'sole bday raver']** _

 

 

**big D:** k yall so sole's bday is coming up and we have to plan their party

 

 

**hardcock:** there should be a designated area for people to blaze

 

 

**one punch cait:** YEAH

 

 

**cutie:** Where will we have it?

 

 

**danse danse:** We should hire out a club or something

 

 

**harcock:** the third rail is a good place

i can book it out

 

 

**big D:** yeah sounds cool

 

 

**piper no piping:** Present-wise I think we should buy one together and then separate ones for them

 

 

**valentine:** That's a great idea, Piper

 

 

**one punch cait:** what abt entertainment and stuff

 

 

**hardcock:** got that covered

magnolia and whitechapel charlie are the entertainment

mags is a great singer and wcc is a dj

 

 

macdaddy: NICE  
what time r we gonna have it???

 

 

**big D:** i was thinkin friday night from 7 to whenever

 

 

**cutie:** That sounds doable!

 

 

**danse danse:** I agree. 

 

**big D:** cool evryone else just text me when u know u can come

 

* * *

 

 

**big D:** ok finish the sentance:

what a shame the poor groom's bride is a

 

**pressed gravy:** Bastard, orphan, son of a whore and a Scotsman

 

**big D:** FUCKING HELL PRESTON   
ITS WHAT A SHAME THE POOR GROOMS BRIDE IS A _WHORE_

NOT EVERYTHING HAS TO BE HAMILTON RELATED U SLUT

 

**pressed gravy:** Chill fam

 

* * *

 

 

**solo:** guess whos gonna see twenty one pilots with piper???

me

THATS RIGHT BITCHES

 

 

**big D:** FUCK

IM SO JEALOUS

 

 

**solo:** but i thought u only liked the original emo holy trinity

 

 

**big D:** YEAH BUT CMON

 

 

**macdaddy:** piper remember the dare

 

 

**piper no piping:** Fucking hell mac

Do I have to???

 

 

**macdaddy:** u promised

 

 

**solo:** whats happening???

 

 

**piper no piping:** Mac dared me to wear a banana costume to the top concert

 

 

**solo:** OMG

YES ILL WEAR MINE TOO  
  


 

**macdaddy:** should i even ask why u have a banana costume??

 

 

**solo:** this one guy i dated had a banana kink

it was rlly fucked up

 

 

**macdaddy:** sole what the fuck

 

 

**solo:** hey its not my fault

but yeah now i have a banana costume 

and ill wear it with piper to top

 

 

**piper no piping:** at least i wont do it alone 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Its my final day of exams today!! In celebration, I get around to writing a new chapter!!  
> comments and kudos are always appreciated <3


	14. Drunk Again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sole had a sick birthday party, Easter is celebrated and Deacon makes a bad decision

**solo:** YALLL  
THT WAS THE BEST GODDAM BDAY PARTY EVERR  
it waS FUCKIN LIT 

WHOvER HAD TH IDEA FOR THAT BLAZIN PLLACE NEEDS TO BE FUCKIN PAID A MILLIOJN DOLARS

 

 

**hardcock:** TTHAT WAS ME FAM  
  


 

**solo:** BITCHH IMMA GIVE U A FUCKLOAD OF MONEYS

 

 

**hardcock:** K PAL

 

 

**one punch cait:** lollLLLL WHAT DID U THINK OF THE PRES WE GOT U

 

 

**solo:**  ALLL I GOTTa SAY IS 

THAT 20 INCH BRIGHT PURPLE DILDO IS GONNAA _CUM IN HANDY_

 

 

**big D:** i taUGHT U WELL 

 

 

**danse danse:** I hate you so much Sole.

 

 

**cutie:** DNASE IT WAS UR CHOICE TO noT gET DRUNK OFF UR A**

 

 

**big D:** CURIE HUNNY

U DONT NEED TO BLEEP OUT UR SWEARS

 

 

**xX_x6-88_Xx:** Loosen up a little, Curie. 

 

 

**mcdaddy:** hoLYY FUCKNUTS X6 IS DRUBK OFF HIS ASAS  
  


 

**cutie:** F***K YOU ALL

 

 

**solo:** FUUUCKCKK CURIES FUCKIN SAVAGE  
#ROASTED

 

 

* * *

 

 

_**[solo changed the chat name to: TIME TO SHOVE EASTER EGGS UP OUR ASSHOLES]** _

 

 

**solo:**  HAPPY EASTER YOU MEME LOVING FUCKS

 

 

**valentine:** Happy Easter everyone!

 

 

**big D:** lol yeah happy easter n stuff

so we gonna get drunk off our asses???

 

 

**one punch cait:** yoU KNOW IT

 

 

**cutie:** Happy Easter!

We can't ever have a holiday where we don't get stinking drunk can we? 

 

 

**piper no piping:** Curie we're young

Its the perfect time to destroy our bodies in wave of self-hate and absent mindedness

Oh yeah and happy Easter

 

 

**pressed gravy:** Happy Easter!

Yeah that's basically how it works Curie lol

 

 

* * *

 

 

**piper no piping:** Hey did anyone make that Sin Tin???

 

 

**danse danse:** Yeah I did. 

Why?

 

 

**piper no piping:** I believe we need to sin Deacon

 

 

**danse danse:** Why?

Is it for everything? 

Because I agree with you already. 

 

 

**piper no piping:** Deacon had the _nerve_ to wear jorts today

_**J O R T S** _

 

 

**solo:** i cant believe this

deacon i trusted you

and then you make this disgusting decision 

make him put $1 000 000 in the Sin Tin for this

 

 

**big D:** it was wash day :(

 

 

**solo:** that doesnt excuse you for that  >:(

i bet u were wearing crocs too

 

 

**big D:** u threw out my crocs  >:(

 

 

**solo:** oh yeah i remember that

 

 

**big D:** u should

i mean u found my rainbow crocs 

u threw them out the window

and u started yelling REPENT FOR UR DISGUSTING SINS

then u lit a candle and started praying

it was rlly weird

 

 

**solo:** i was saving u 

 

 

**piper no piping:** Sole, do you wanna come with me to Deacon's house and we can burn all of his Bad Clothes

 

 

**solo:** yes

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *remembers chat names can be changed* smh  
> Happy Easter everyone!! And happy normal weekend to anyone who doesn't celebrate it in general or on this date (this year's greek orthodox easter lol) 
> 
> comments and kudos are always appreciated <3


	15. Gay Shit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> rhys joins the chat, deacon gets a flip phone and other magical Gay things happen

_**[rhys krispie treats joined the chat]** _

 

 

 

**danse danse:** Rhys please get out of this chat and save yourself

 

 

**rhys krispie treats:** nah i heard u fucktots were a Good Time 

 

 

**solo:** aaayyyy if it aint my fav piece of shit

 

 

**big D:** tag urself im rhys

 

 

**macdaddy:** im sole

 

 

**piper no piping:** I'm danse

 

 

* * *

 

**big D:** have i ever told u fucknuts that i love dick so much

i can take one down my throat, in my ass and put it in someones ass at the same time

 

 

**rhys krispie treats:** bruh wtf thats gay

 

 

**big D** : ur gay

 

 

_**[rhys krispie treats sent yougotmethere.jpg]** _

 

 

**danse danse:** Rhys I expected more from you, why are you like this? 

 

 

**rhys krispie treats:** to quote rick sanchez, "I DONT GIVE A FUCK" 

 

 

**danse danse:** You didn't answer my question  >:( 

 

 

**solo:** oh shit danse sent the angry emoji 

every1 pray 4 rhys

#ripinpissrhys

 

 

**macdaddY:** #pray4rhys2K16

 

* * *

 

**solo:** FUCK MY ENTIRE LIFE

LES MIS KILLED ME

I JUST FINISHED THE MOVIE

IVE READ THE BOOK TOO AND ITS SO FUCKING GAYYY

LIKE CMON ENJOLRAS AND GRANTAIRE **DIE HOLDING HANDS**

IF THAT AINT THE GAYEST SHIT IDK WHAT IS 

 

 

**danse danse:** Spoiler alert 

 

 

**solo:** lbr danse u dont like musicals and u wouldnt bother with les mis cos its almost 3 hours long

 

 

**danse danse** : Oh ok

I thought it would actually be decent but nevermind

 

 

**solo** : ok hOW DARE U 

LES MIS IS A GIFT TO THE WORLD 

IT MAY BE LONG BUT ITS BETTER THAN THE SHIT U WOULD WRITE

ITS BETTER THAN AN OPERA 

 

 

**pressed gravy:** But Les Mis is an opera???

 

 

**solo:** :////////////////////

thats a ~quote~ from the song red/black 

i need to fill my life with ppl who appreciate musicals more

 

 

* * *

 

 

**solo:** OH MY GOD

DEACON DROPPED HIS PHONE IN THE TOILET AND HE HAS TO USE A FLIP PHONE FOR A MONTH

 

 

**macdaddy:** HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA FUYCKNC

I M 

THIS IS SO FUNNY

WHEN WE TEXT HIM WE LL BE TELEPORTED INTO 2005

 

**danse danse:** Oh thank god

He's out of the chat 

 

 

**valentine:** Oh yeah you're right. 

Finally.

We are free. 

 

 

**piper no piping:** JOOOKEESSSS ON U SHIT TITTIES I JSUT STOLE PIPERS PHONE

No 

I mean he stole my phone but I spanked him and he got a boner so now hes locked himself in the bathroom 

 

 

**solo** : BAAHAHAHAAHAHAA

#deaconisaflipbitch2K16

 

 

**macdaddY:** i cant believe this

ok but lbr for a min

i wanna clear up that altho we r toxic shitstains we still dont actually ##bully deacon

 

 

**solo:** yea

i cherish him very much

 

 

**valentine** : He may be annoying but he is still a very close friend who has impacted all of us greatly. 

 

 

**piper no piping:** 'Aaawwwww you guys... I love u all too' 

That's what deacon said

I agree on this too!!

 

 

**rhys krispie treats:** this is some Gay shit lmao 

 

 

**pressed gravy:** Rhys, we are all Gay

 

 

**rhys krispie treats:** yea 

 

 

**pressed gravy:**  Good to clear that up

 

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IM BACK BITCHACHOS  
> i have had -0.0000000000000% time to write anything for this cos im a lazy shit lmao  
> the names are probs screwed up but ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯ anyway thanks to NoxGold for giving me the suggestion to include Rhys lol (I probs didnt characterise him like in the game but i have a strong belief that he is a Hardcore Shitposter underneath all his Angst) 
> 
> kudos, comments, bookmarks etc. are all EXTREMELY appreciated <3333333333333333333333333333


	16. BLOCKED BLOCKED ALL OF YOU ARE BLOCKED NONE OF YOU ARE FREE FROM SIN

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> danse screams, preston and sole yell about some gay ass shit and, deacon cries

**danse danse:** WHO SENT ME THAT PACKAGE FILLED WITH 420 MARIJUANA HATS?????

I'M SO UNBELIEVABLY ANGRY RIGHT NOW

 

 

**hardcock:** AHAHAhAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHahahahAHA

HAPPY 420 MOTHERFUCKER

 

 

**solo:** HANCOCK IM CRYIN

 

 

**big D:** I HELPED TOO

 

 

hardcock: o yea deeks helped too

 

 

**rhys krispie treats:** IM

FUCKGINT

C H O K I N G  O N   M Y  C O F F E E

U SHOULD SEE DANSES FACE

HES CRYING BUT ALSO F U M I N G

HES FUCKIGN SCREAMING ABT HOW HES GONNA CALL TH COPS

AHAHAAHIAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH 

 

 

**solo:**

IM 

 

 

**hardcock:** DANSE CHILL TF OUT FAM

 

 

**big D:** ooooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh mmmmmmmmmmyyyyyyyyyyyyy ggggggggggggooooooooooooddddddddddddddddddddddd

THIS IS AMAZING

 

 

**rhys krispie treats:** HES CALLING MAXSON ASFGFHIFAJSHA A

I CAN HEAR MAXSON HOWLING WITH LAUGHTER

CALL HMI WHATVERE U WANT BUT THAT FUCKER HAS A  SENSE FO HUMOUR

 

 

**big D:** THSI IS THE GREAATEST DAY OF MY LIFE

 

* * *

 

 

**big D:** IM CRYING

TOM DE FUCKING LONGE BLOCKED ME ON ALL MY INSTAGRAM ACCOUNTS

 

**pressed gravy:** Who dat??

 

big D:  **Thomas Matthew** " **Tom** " **DeLonge, Jr.** (born December 13, 1975), is an American musician, singer, songwriter, record producer, entrepreneur, and film producer. He is currently the guitarist and lead vocalist of the rock band [Angels & Airwaves](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Angels_%26_Airwaves) and was the guitarist and co-lead vocalist of the American rock band [Blink-182](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Blink-182) from 1992 to 2015. DeLonge grew up in the suburbs of [Poway, California](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Poway,_California), where he embraced [skateboarding](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Skateboarding) at an early age. DeLonge received his first guitar shortly thereafter and began writing original [punk rock](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Punk_rock) songs. He formed Blink-182 with bassist [Mark Hoppus](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mark_Hoppus)and drummer [Scott Raynor](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Scott_Raynor) during his high school years. The band created a following in the mid-1990s through independent releases and relentless touring, particularly in their home country and in Australia. They signed to [MCA Records](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/MCA_Records) in 1996 and their second album, _[Dude Ranch](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dude_Ranch_\(album\))_ (1997), featured the hit single "[Dammit](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dammit)".

The group encountered bigger success with _[Enema of the State](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Enema_of_the_State)_ (1999), which featured three hit singles and went quadruple-platinum in the US, eventually selling upwards of 15 million copies worldwide. Blink-182 scored a number one album with 2001's _[Take Off Your Pants and Jacket](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Take_Off_Your_Pants_and_Jacket)_. DeLonge experimented with [post-hardcore](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Post-hardcore) music on _[Box Car Racer](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Box_Car_Racer_\(album\))_ , which formed into a full-fledged band in 2002, but dissolved the following year. Blink's [eponymous fifth studio album](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Blink-182_\(album\))(2003) reflected a change in tone within the group, which broke up in 2005 following internal tension, spearheaded by DeLonge.

In the aftermath of Blink-182's breakup, he formed Angels & Airwaves, which has since released five studio albums and has evolved into an "art project", encompassing various forms of media. DeLonge reunited with Blink-182 in 2009, releasing new music and touring frequently, before parting ways with the band again in 2015. In addition to his musical career, DeLonge also manages business ventures that he founded: [Macbeth Footwear](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Macbeth_Footwear), and technology and design firm[Modlife](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Modlife). He helped score and produce the 2011 science fiction film _[Love](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Love_\(2011_film\))_ , and has multiple film projects in development. He has also expanded into writing, releasing a children's book, _The Lonely Astronaut on Christmas Eve_ , in 2013.

 

 

 

##  Biography

##  [ ](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Tom_Delonge_method_at_Poway_High.jpg)

 

 

 

 

Delonge [skateboarding](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Skateboarding) at Poway High School in the 1990s

###  1975–91: Early life

DeLonge was born in [Poway, California](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Poway,_California), on December 13, 1975. His father, Thomas DeLonge Sr., was an oil company executive, and his mother, Connie, a mortgage broker.[[1]](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tom_DeLonge#cite_note-people-1) His first musical instrument was a trumpet, which he received as a Christmas gift at age 11.[[2]](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tom_DeLonge#cite_note-half_naked_truth-2) Despite his early interest in music, becoming a musician was not his first calling. DeLonge originally planned to become a [firefighter](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Firefighter), and participated in the San Diego Cadet Program.[[3]](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tom_DeLonge#cite_note-biz-3) He first picked up the guitar from a friend at church camp, and became preoccupied by the instrument.[[4]](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tom_DeLonge#cite_note-rs1-4) DeLonge received his first guitar as a Christmas present from two friends in the sixth grade – "a beat-up, shitty acoustic guitar that was worth about $30."[[5]](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tom_DeLonge#cite_note-spin-5) He gathered his brother, Shon, and sister, Kari, as an audience for his original songs.[[6]](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tom_DeLonge#cite_note-FOOTNOTEHoppus20015-6)

In the seventh grade, DeLonge visited a friend in [Oregon](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Oregon) who introduced him to the music of [Stiff Little Fingers](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stiff_Little_Fingers), [Dinosaur Jr.](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dinosaur_Jr.) and the [Descendents](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Descendents_\(band\)).[[4]](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tom_DeLonge#cite_note-rs1-4) He dyed his hair purple, and consequently began practicing the guitar loudly in his room.[[1]](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tom_DeLonge#cite_note-people-1) DeLonge attempted to form a band named Big Oily Men, which was essentially a one-man band: the band's lineup consisted of whoever he could persuade to join him for short periods.[[7]](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tom_DeLonge#cite_note-FOOTNOTEHoppus20017-7)

DeLonge first began [skateboarding](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Skateboarding) in the third grade,[[4]](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tom_DeLonge#cite_note-rs1-4) which would consume much his activity outside of school. "I lived, ate, and breathed skateboarding. All I did all day long was skateboard. It was all I cared about," he later remarked.[[8]](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tom_DeLonge#cite_note-FOOTNOTEShooman201084-8) He and friends would begin at one side of San Diego and attempt to skateboard to the other half, intermittently pulling pranks on people in the process. As such, he was an average student: "I knew exactly how hard I had to work in school. As long as I got that C, I wouldn't try one minute extra to get a B. I just cared about skateboarding and music."[[2]](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tom_DeLonge#cite_note-half_naked_truth-2) His parents were constantly fighting in his formative years, culminating in a divorce when DeLonge was 18.[[8]](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tom_DeLonge#cite_note-FOOTNOTEShooman201084-8) Shortly thereafter, his mother lost her job. DeLonge promptly moved out, feeling as though he needed to start his life. His brother was also away at this point in the [US Army](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/US_Army), and his departure affected his family. "My mom and sister were left asking, 'What happened to our family?'".[[9]](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tom_DeLonge#cite_note-article1-9)

Following high school, DeLonge would work in construction, driving around a diesel truck and handling concrete and piping. "I hated, hated, hated my job. You know those people who hate their job? That was me," he later said.[[4]](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tom_DeLonge#cite_note-rs1-4) He promptly quit when Blink-182 signed to [MCA Records](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/MCA_Records) in 1996.[[4]](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tom_DeLonge#cite_note-rs1-4)

###  1992–2004: Music career beginnings

####  1992–98: Early years

 

 

  
[ ](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Tom_Delonge_with_surfboard.jpg)

 

 

Delonge with a surfboard in the mid-1990s. The band rose from the[southern California](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Southern_California) skate/surf scene.

DeLonge formed his first successful band, [Blink-182](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Blink-182), in 1992. He was removed from [Poway High School](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Poway_High_School) in the second half of his junior year for going to a basketball game while [inebriated](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alcohol_intoxication). He was forced to attend a different school for one semester, nearby [Rancho Bernardo High School](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rancho_Bernardo_High_School), where he became friends with Kerry Key, and his girlfriend Anne Hoppus.[[10]](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tom_DeLonge#cite_note-FOOTNOTEHoppus20019-10) Rancho Bernardo organized Battle of the Bands competitions, and DeLonge signed up, performing an original song titled "Who's Gonna Shave Your Back Tonight?" to a packed auditorium.[[11]](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tom_DeLonge#cite_note-FOOTNOTEShooman20109-11) Drummer [Scott Raynor](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Scott_Raynor) was at the competition with his own group, which soon dissolved, after which he was introduced by friend Paul Scott to DeLonge at a party.[[11]](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tom_DeLonge#cite_note-FOOTNOTEShooman20109-11) The two began to organize jam sessions at Raynor's home, shifting through various bassists.[[12]](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tom_DeLonge#cite_note-FOOTNOTEShooman201010-12)[[13]](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tom_DeLonge#cite_note-lat95-13) The following summer, DeLonge's desire to be in a legitimate band increased significantly – Hoppus characterized his passion as "incessant whining and complaining."[[10]](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tom_DeLonge#cite_note-FOOTNOTEHoppus20019-10) Her brother, bassist [Mark Hoppus](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mark_Hoppus), was new to San Diego and she introduced the two one night that August.[[10]](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tom_DeLonge#cite_note-FOOTNOTEHoppus20019-10) The two would jam for hours in DeLonge's garage, exchanging lyrics and writing new songs.

The trio began to practice together in Raynor's bedroom, spending hours together writing music, attending punk shows and movies and playing practical jokes.[[14]](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tom_DeLonge#cite_note-p10-11-14) Hoppus and DeLonge would alternate singing vocal parts. The trio first operated under a variety of names, including Duck Tape and Figure 8, until DeLonge rechristened the band "Blink".[[15]](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tom_DeLonge#cite_note-p13shoo-15) Their first demo, _Flyswatter_ —a combination of original songs and punk covers—was recorded in Raynor's bedroom in May 1993.[[16]](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tom_DeLonge#cite_note-p16-16) DeLonge called clubs constantly in San Diego asking for a spot to play, as well as calling up local high schools convincing them that Blink was a "motivational band with a strong [anti-drug](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Just_Say_No) message" in hopes to play at an assembly or lunch.[[17]](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tom_DeLonge#cite_note-p21-17) With help from local record store manager Pat Secor, the group recorded _[Buddha](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Buddha_\(album\))_ (1994), a demo cassette that increased the band's stature within San Diego.[[18]](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tom_DeLonge#cite_note-p15shoo-18)[[19]](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tom_DeLonge#cite_note-p24-27-19) [Cargo Records](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cargo_Music) sign the band on a "trial basis"; Hoppus was the only member to sign the contract, as DeLonge was at work at the time and Raynor was still a [minor](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Minor_\(law\)).[[20]](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tom_DeLonge#cite_note-p30-20) The band recorded their debut album in three days at[Westbeach Recorders](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Westbeach_Recorders) in Los Angeles, fueled by both new songs and re-recordings of songs from previous demos.[[21]](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tom_DeLonge#cite_note-p31-21) Although _[Cheshire Cat](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cheshire_Cat_\(Blink-182_album\))_ , released in February 1995, made very little impact commercially, it is cited by fans and musicians as an iconic release.[[22]](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tom_DeLonge#cite_note-MTV_influence-22)

 

 

  
[ ](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Tom_DeLonge_performing_at_early_Blink-182_show.jpg)

 

 

Tom Delonge performing at an early Blink-182 show

The band toured constantly between 1995–96, performing nationwide, as well as in Canada and in Australia. By March 1996, the trio began to accumulate a genuine buzz among major labels, resulting in a bidding war between [Interscope](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Interscope_Records), [MCA](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/MCA_Records) and[Epitaph](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Epitaph_Records).[[23]](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tom_DeLonge#cite_note-shooman37-23) MCA promised the group complete artistic freedom and eventually signed the band, but Raynor held a great affinity for Epitaph and began to feel half-invested in the band when they passed over the label.[[24]](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tom_DeLonge#cite_note-p64-24)[[25]](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tom_DeLonge#cite_note-shooman55-25) Their second effort, _[Dude Ranch](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dude_Ranch_\(album\))_ , hit stores the following summer and the band headed out on their first [Warped Tour](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Warped_Tour). When lead single "[Dammit](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dammit)" began rotation at Los Angeles-based [KROQ](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/KROQ), other stations took notice and the single was added to rock radio playlists across the country.[[26]](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tom_DeLonge#cite_note-p74-26) _Dude Ranch_ shipped [gold](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Music_recording_sales_certification) by 1998, but the exhaustive touring schedule brought tensions among the trio.[[27]](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tom_DeLonge#cite_note-latimes-27) Raynor had been drinking heavily to offset personal issues, and he was fired by DeLonge and Hoppus in mid-1998 despite agreeing to attend rehab and quit drinking.[[28]](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tom_DeLonge#cite_note-shooman56-28)[[29]](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tom_DeLonge#cite_note-aquabats-29) Travis Barker, drummer for tourmate [The Aquabats](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Aquabats), filled in for Raynor, learning the 20-song setlist in 45 minutes before the first show.[[30]](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tom_DeLonge#cite_note-p85-30) Barker joined the band full-time in summer 1998 and the band entered the studio with producer [Jerry Finn](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jerry_Finn) later that year to begin work on their third album.[[22]](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tom_DeLonge#cite_note-MTV_influence-22)

####  1999–2004: Mainstream success with Blink-182

With the release of _[Enema of the State](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Enema_of_the_State)_ in June 1999, Blink-182 was catapulted to stardom. Three singles were released from the record—"[What's My Age Again?](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/What%27s_My_Age_Again%3F)", "[All the Small Things](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/All_the_Small_Things)", and "[Adam's Song](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Adam%27s_Song)"—that became hit singles and MTV staples.[[31]](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tom_DeLonge#cite_note-p96-31) "All the Small Things" became a number-one hit on the [Modern Rock Tracks](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Modern_Rock_Tracks) chart, but also became a [crossover hit](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Crossover_hit) and peaked at number 6 on the [_Billboard_ Hot 100](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Billboard_Hot_100) chart. Although the band were criticized as synthesized, manufactured pop only remotely resembling punk and pigeonholed as a joke act due to the puerile slant of its singles and associating music videos, _Enema of the State_ was an enormous commercial success. The album has sold over 15 million copies worldwide and had a considerable effect on pop punk music, inspiring a "second wave" of the genre and numerous acolytes.[[22]](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tom_DeLonge#cite_note-MTV_influence-22)[[32]](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tom_DeLonge#cite_note-diehl-32) After multi-platinum success, arena tours and cameo appearances ( _[American Pie](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/American_Pie_\(film\))_ ), the band recorded _[Take Off Your Pants and Jacket](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Take_Off_Your_Pants_and_Jacket)_ (2001), which debuted at number 1 in the United States, Canada, and Germany. Hit singles "[The Rock Show](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Rock_Show)","[Stay Together for the Kids](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stay_Together_for_the_Kids)" and "[First Date](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/First_Date_\(Blink-182_song\))" continued the band's mainstream success worldwide, with MTV cementing their image as video stars.[[33]](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tom_DeLonge#cite_note-nyt-33)

 

 

  
[ ](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Tom_DeLonge_2004.jpg)

 

 

DeLonge performing in 2004 with [Blink-182](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Blink-182). The group dissolved the next year following internal tension, but reformed in 2009.

With time off from touring, DeLonge felt an "itch to do something where he didn't feel locked in to what Blink was,"[[34]](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tom_DeLonge#cite_note-totalguitar-34)[[35]](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tom_DeLonge#cite_note-shooman92-35) and channeled his chronic back pain (a herniated disc) and resulting frustration into _[Box Car Racer](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Box_Car_Racer_\(album\))_ (2002), a [post-hardcore](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Post-hardcore) disc that further explores his [Fugazi](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fugazi) and [Refused](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Refused) inspiration.[[36]](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tom_DeLonge#cite_note-influences-36)[[37]](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tom_DeLonge#cite_note-endofworld-37) Refraining from paying for a studio drummer, he invited Barker to record drums on the project and Hoppus felt betrayed.[[38]](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tom_DeLonge#cite_note-shooman94-38) The event caused great division within the trio for some time and an unresolved tension at the forefront of the band's later hiatus.[[39]](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tom_DeLonge#cite_note-TomQA2005-39) Blink-182 regrouped in 2003 to record their fifth studio album, infusing [experimentalist](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Experimental_music) elements into their usual pop punk sound, inspired by lifestyle changes (the band members all became fathers before the album was released) and side projects. Blink's [eponymous fifth studio album](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Blink-182_\(album\)) was released in the fall of 2003 through [Geffen Records](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Geffen_Records), which absorbed sister label MCA earlier that year.[[40]](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tom_DeLonge#cite_note-40) Critics generally complimented the new, more "mature" direction taken for the release and lead singles "[Feeling This](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Feeling_This)" and "[I Miss You](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/I_Miss_You_\(Blink-182_song\))" charted high, with the latter becoming the group's second number one hit on the _Billboard_ Modern Rock Tracks chart.[[41]](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tom_DeLonge#cite_note-imissyouchart-41) Fans were split by the new direction, and tensions within the band—stemming from the grueling schedule and DeLonge's desire to spend more time with his family—started to become evident.[[22]](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tom_DeLonge#cite_note-MTV_influence-22)

DeLonge became uncomfortable with the hefty touring schedule, during which he was unable to see his growing family.[[42]](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tom_DeLonge#cite_note-qandaRS-42) He eventually expressed his desire to take a half-year respite from touring in order to spend more time with family. Hoppus and Barker protested his decision, which they felt was an overly long break.[[43]](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tom_DeLonge#cite_note-IGNint-43) DeLonge did not blame his bandmates for being disappointed with his requests, but was dismayed that they could not seemingly understand.[[44]](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tom_DeLonge#cite_note-jcpose-44) In addition, DeLonge protested the idea of Barker's reality television series, _[Meet the Barkers](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Meet_the_Barkers)_ , which was being produced for a 2005 premiere. DeLonge disliked television cameras everywhere, feeling his personal privacy was invaded.[[45]](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tom_DeLonge#cite_note-article-45) Following the [2004 Indian Ocean earthquake](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/2004_Indian_Ocean_earthquake), DeLonge agreed to perform at [Music for Relief](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Music_for_Relief)'s Concert for South Asia, a benefit show to aid victims. Further arguments ensued during rehearsals, rooted in the band member's increasing paranoia and bitterness toward one another.[[46]](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tom_DeLonge#cite_note-mtvhiatus1-46) He considered his bandmates priorities "mad, mad different", and the breakdown in communication led to heated exchanges, resulting in his exit from the group.[[39]](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tom_DeLonge#cite_note-TomQA2005-39)

###  2005–present: Business ventures and further music career

####  2005–08: Angels & Airwaves, Modlife, and entrepreneurship

 

 

  
[ ](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Tom_DeLonge_AVA_Fall_Tour_2008.jpg)

 

 

DeLonge on tour with [Angels & Airwaves](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Angels_%26_Airwaves) in 2008

In the wake of Blink-182's break-up, DeLonge underwent a complete reassessment of his prime concerns—a move "bearing the hallmarks of a [nervous breakdown](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nervous_breakdown)"—and went on a three-week "spiritual journey" in complete isolation away from his family, contemplating his life, career, and future in music.[[39]](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tom_DeLonge#cite_note-TomQA2005-39)[[44]](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tom_DeLonge#cite_note-jcpose-44) DeLonge felt psychologically hurt by the band's dissolution, likening it to a divorce and calling it a "traumatic experience" and a "disaster."[[47]](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tom_DeLonge#cite_note-altpressint-47) He had been known for his role in the Blink-182 as "the low-brow prankster" and wanted to restart his career without worrying whether fans would find him funny.[[48]](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tom_DeLonge#cite_note-change-48) DeLonge's endorsement of [John Kerry](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/John_Kerry) in the [2004 presidential election](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/United_States_presidential_election,_2004) led to him travelling the political circuit with the Democratic Party candidate; DeLonge was inspired by Kerry's need for widespread reform and likened his presidential campaign to a drug, remarking later that it "really changed [me]."[[47]](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tom_DeLonge#cite_note-altpressint-47) He rediscovered the epiphany developed during his tour with Kerry and applied it to the philosophy of his new group, [Angels & Airwaves](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Angels_%26_Airwaves), while he redefined himself as he learned to play piano and self-produce and formed his own home studio.[[49]](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tom_DeLonge#cite_note-tg-49)

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In September 2005, after spending months avoiding publicity, DeLonge announced his new Angels & Airwaves project and promised "the greatest rock and roll revolution for this generation."[[50]](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tom_DeLonge#cite_note-mtv5-50) His statements—containing predictions that the album would usher in an "entire new culture of the youth" and lead to the band's dominance—were regarded as highly grandiose in the press and mocked.[[48]](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tom_DeLonge#cite_note-change-48)[[51]](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tom_DeLonge#cite_note-iempire-51) Thoroughly utilized by the band, DeLonge often discussed minor details and plans for accompanying films and other promotional matter, and his managers approached him having an "intervention" in which they disquietingly questioned his frame of mind.[[44]](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tom_DeLonge#cite_note-jcpose-44) His ambitious beliefs were intensified by his addiction to [Vicodin](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vicodin), a drug which he used due to his back problem[[52]](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tom_DeLonge#cite_note-chicago-52) and did not try out again when he was unable to obtain it for a week, hallucinating and deep in withdrawal.[[53]](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tom_DeLonge#cite_note-upsdowns-53) _[We Don't Need to Whisper](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/We_Don%27t_Need_to_Whisper)_ , the band's debut studio album, was released in 2006, and their second, _[I-Empire](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/I-Empire)_ , followed in 2007.

DeLonge would reunite with Blink-182 near the end of 2008. Barker had been involved in a fatal private [plane crash](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/2008_South_Carolina_Learjet_60_crash),[[54]](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tom_DeLonge#cite_note-lattimes-54) which laid grounds for the band's reformation.[[55]](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tom_DeLonge#cite_note-Kerrang_June_2010-55) DeLonge found out via the TV news at an airport while waiting to board a flight; within minutes, he was crying in his seat. "I thought he was going to die," says DeLonge, who quickly reached out to his former bandmate, mailing him a letter and photograph. "Instantly after the plane crash, I was like, 'Hey, I want to play music with him again.'"[[56]](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tom_DeLonge#cite_note-rs-56)[[57]](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tom_DeLonge#cite_note-billboard4-57) DeLonge was the first to approach the subject of reuniting,[[55]](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tom_DeLonge#cite_note-Kerrang_June_2010-55) and [Blink-182](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Blink-182) announced their reunion, a new album, and a reunion tour the following February at the [2009 Grammy Awards](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/2009_Grammy_Awards).[[58]](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tom_DeLonge#cite_note-Kaufman-58) Blink-182 embarked on [a reunion tour](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Blink-182_in_Concert) of North America from July to October 2009, supported by [Weezer](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Weezer)and [Fall Out Boy](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fall_Out_Boy).[[59]](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tom_DeLonge#cite_note-rs4-59) The tour was wildly successful, selling out amphitheaters nationwide: "I was completely blown away and dumbfounded by how big that reunion tour was. [...] We were very fortunate, very blessed," DeLonge later said. "And truthfully, that's why we continued, because we were so blown away. We were like, "Wow, we got to suck this up and start acting like adults because this is beautiful.'"[[60]](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tom_DeLonge#cite_note-AP-60)

####  2009–present: Recent work

The recording process for _[Neighborhoods](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Neighborhoods_\(Blink-182_album\))_ , the band's sixth studio album, was stalled by their studio autonomy, tours, managers, and personal projects. The band members produced the record themselves following the death of Jerry Finn, their former producer that also served as an invaluable member of the band.[[61]](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tom_DeLonge#cite_note-Finn-61) DeLonge recorded at his studio in [San Diego](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/San_Diego) while Hoppus and Barker recorded in Los Angeles.[[62]](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tom_DeLonge#cite_note-rs2-62) Completion was delayed several times, which Hoppus attributed to the band learning to work by themselves without Finn, and both DeLonge and Hoppus expressed frustration during the sessions at the band's cabal of publicists, managers and attorneys (which DeLonge described as "the absolute diarrhea of bureaucracy"). DeLonge later expressed dissatisfaction at the method of recording for _Neighborhoods_ , conceding that it led to a "loss of unity" within the band.[[34]](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tom_DeLonge#cite_note-totalguitar-34) The album was released in September 2011 and peaked at number two on the [_Billboard_ 200](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Billboard_200), but undersold expectations.[[63]](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tom_DeLonge#cite_note-billboard12-63)

Blink-182 left Interscope Records in October 2012, becoming an independent act.[[37]](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tom_DeLonge#cite_note-endofworld-37) The band subsequently released _[Dogs Eating Dogs](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dogs_Eating_Dogs)_ , an [EP](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Extended_play), in December 2012.[[64]](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tom_DeLonge#cite_note-dogs-64) The group planned to enter the studio to write and record their seventh studio album in January 2015, due for release later that year,[[65]](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tom_DeLonge#cite_note-KerrangAug14-65) but after delays attributed to DeLonge,[[66]](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tom_DeLonge#cite_note-KerrangAug13-66) the band issued a statement announcing his departure. In a press release, Hoppus and Barker said, "We were all set to play this festival and record a new album and Tom kept putting it off without reason. A week before we were scheduled to go in to the studio we got an email from his manager explaining that he didn't want to participate in any Blink-182 projects indefinitely, but would rather work on his other non-musical endeavors."[[67]](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tom_DeLonge#cite_note-tomsplit-67)

In DeLonge's public response to Hoppus and Barker's claims about him not wanting to participate in a new Blink-182 album, he said the "60-page Blink contract" he was handed required that a new album be recorded within six months, and also included language that temporarily prohibited the release of other various projects that he was already under contract for.[[68]](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tom_DeLonge#cite_note-AltPressJan27-15-68) He said: "All of these other projects are being worked, exist in contract form—I can't just slam the brakes and drop years of development, partnerships and commitments at the snap of a finger. I told my manager that I will do Blink-182 as long as it was fun and worked with the other commitments in my life, including my family."[[69]](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tom_DeLonge#cite_note-69) Two months later, DeLonge shed some light on what his other projects entailed, claiming that he was working with "best selling authors" to co-write 15 novels with accompanying soundtrack EPs. He also expected to release four albums in 2015—two Angels & Airwaves albums and two solo albums—three of which would include a companion novel.[[70]](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tom_DeLonge#cite_note-AltPressMar23-15-70)[[71]](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tom_DeLonge#cite_note-RollingStoneMar22-15-71) However, by the end of the year, only one of each had been released.

On April 21, 2015, DeLonge released his first solo album—an eight-song collection of Blink-182 demos and more, titled _[To the Stars](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/To_the_Stars_\(Tom_DeLonge_album\))_.[[72]](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tom_DeLonge#cite_note-KerrangMar19-15-72)[[73]](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tom_DeLonge#cite_note-CoSMar2-15-73)

##  Musical style

###  Inspirations

DeLonge grew to prominence playing [pop punk](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pop_punk) music. [Southern California](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Southern_California) had a large punk population in the early 1990s, aided by an avid surfing, skating and snowboarding scene.[[74]](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tom_DeLonge#cite_note-p18shoo-74) In contrast to [East Coast](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/East_Coast_of_the_United_States) punk music, the [West Coast](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/West_Coast_of_the_United_States) wave of groups, Blink included, typically introduced [more melodic aspects to their music](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pop_punk).[[74]](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tom_DeLonge#cite_note-p18shoo-74) "New York is gloomy, dark and cold. It makes different music. The Californian middle-class suburbs have nothing to be that bummed about," said DeLonge.[[74]](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tom_DeLonge#cite_note-p18shoo-74) In a 2011 article, he outlined six musical acts that impacted his growth as a musician, among them [Stiff Little Fingers](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stiff_Little_Fingers), [U2](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/U2), [Depeche Mode](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Depeche_Mode), [New Order](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/New_Order_\(band\)),[Fugazi](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fugazi), and the [Descendents](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Descendents_\(band\)).[[75]](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tom_DeLonge#cite_note-redbull-75) The latter was his main influence when he began playing guitar; early recordings such as _[Buddha](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Buddha_\(demo\))_ were an attempt to emulate their sound.[[49]](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tom_DeLonge#cite_note-tg-49) Following the Descendents, DeLonge once cited [Screeching Weasel](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Screeching_Weasel) as the second biggest influence on his songwriting in his early career.[[76]](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tom_DeLonge#cite_note-screech-76)

DeLonge has shifted from punk rock in recent years, moving toward an effects-laden progressive-inspired sound.[[49]](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tom_DeLonge#cite_note-tg-49)

DeLonge has stated the first album he "ever fell in love with" was _[The Joshua Tree](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Joshua_Tree)_ by [U2](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/U2), after which he delved into punk rock. He would later return to the album in his adult life, calling it his favorite album, describing it as "still relevant and soulful."[[5]](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tom_DeLonge#cite_note-spin-5)

###  Equipment

DeLonge's early guitar tone was described as "clean to crisply overdriven."[[77]](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tom_DeLonge#cite_note-guitar-77) During those years, he tended to use Fender Custom Shop Stratocasters (and still occasionally uses in studio recordings), and his own Fender Tom DeLonge Statocaster, with Seymour Duncan Invader pickups, Ernie Ball strings, Dunlop tortex picks, and a Whirlwind Selector A/B/Y box. [[77]](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tom_DeLonge#cite_note-guitar-77) The Mesa/Boogie Triple Rectifier was key to DeLonge's early sound; he employed them to create a distorted sound. "A Mesa/Boogie is like a nuke: you plug it in and it fills up every piece of the sonic spectrum," he said.[[49]](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tom_DeLonge#cite_note-tg-49) As his sound gradually grew cleaner, he grew away from the Mesa/Boogies. DeLonge employed the Marshall JCM900 amps for his work on _Dude Ranch_ , in which he improved his guitar tone.[[49]](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tom_DeLonge#cite_note-tg-49) In a September 1999 _Guitar Player_ article, DeLonge outlined his intentions: "I'm the kind of guitarist that wants the biggest, fattest, loudest, sound he can get."[[77]](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tom_DeLonge#cite_note-guitar-77) As such, he refrained from toying with his guitar equipment for several years. "I was just into punk-rock. I thought we were cooler than every other band. I thought punk was way cooler and we knew something other people didn’t know. Now I look and think, 'Fuck, there was a lot I didn't know!'" he later remarked.[[49]](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tom_DeLonge#cite_note-tg-49)

Beginning with his work on _[Take Off Your Pants and Jacket](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Take_Off_Your_Pants_and_Jacket)_ (2001), he began to approach different chorus pedals, flangers and delays.[[49]](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tom_DeLonge#cite_note-tg-49) Musically, he experimented with heavier guitar riffs on _[Box Car Racer](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Box_Car_Racer_\(album\))_ (2002), while making greater use of pedals and loops.[[49]](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tom_DeLonge#cite_note-tg-49) Blink-182 broke up in 2005 and DeLonge altered his equipment setup for his work from [Angels & Airwaves](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Angels_%26_Airwaves)' _[We Don't Need to Whisper](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/We_Don%27t_Need_to_Whisper)_ to the present. He began pairing Voxes [AC30H2] and Fender '65 Twin Reverbs.[[49]](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tom_DeLonge#cite_note-tg-49) DeLonge now uses the Vox AC30 with very little distortion.[[49]](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tom_DeLonge#cite_note-tg-49)

In 2003, Gibson released his signature model, the Tom DeLonge Signature ES-333, which has only been available since its release in Brown and Cream, with a Natural neck and headstock. Along with his Gibson signature, Tom also used a baritone Fender Jazzmaster with a Seymour Duncan Invader live, as seen in AOL live sessions with the song "Obvious". The Tom DeLonge Signature starts with Gibson's classic semi-hollow body design and then extends it into punk rock with an overwound 'Dirty Fingers' humbucking pickup. Its thick, distorted tone is the Delonge's signature guitar tone and widely recognized as the quintessential Blink sound.[[78]](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tom_DeLonge#cite_note-78)

####  Past and present equipment

##### Past equipment

  * [Tom DeLonge Stratocaster](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tom_DeLonge_Stratocaster)
  * [Gibson](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gibson_Guitar_Corporation) Custom ES-335
  * [Mesa Boogie](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mesa_Boogie) Triple Rectifier
  * [Marshall](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marshall_Amplification) JCM900
  * [Mesa Boogie](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mesa_Boogie) Simul 2:Ninety
  * [Mesa Boogie](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mesa_Boogie) TriAxis Programmable Preamp
  * (Ernie Ball) Skinny Top Heavy Bottom strings

| 

##### Present equipment

  * Tom DeLonge Signature [Gibson ES-333](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gibson_ES-333)
  * [Fender](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fender_Musical_Instruments_Corporation) '65 Twin Reverb Amplifier
  * [VOX](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vox_\(musical_equipment\)) AC30H2
  * Big Bite The Big Bite[[79]](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tom_DeLonge#cite_note-79)
  * [Boss](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Boss_Corporation) DD-7 Digital Delay
  * Fulltone Fulldrive2 MOSFET
  * [MXR](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/MXR) EVH117 Flanger Pedal
  * Tremulator Pedal
  * [Dunlop](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dunlop_Manufacturing) Tortex .60 Picks
  * [Ernie ball](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ernie_ball) Skinny Top Heavy Bottom strings
  * [MXR](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/MXR) Distortion + – M 104 Pedal

  
---|---  
  
###  Influence

[Panic! at the Disco](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Panic!_at_the_Disco)'s [Brendon Urie](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Brendon_Urie) and [Ryan Ross](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ryan_Ross) both cited DeLonge as one of their major influences. Urie said that DeLonge influenced his singing, remarking that "He has a voice that no-one else has [...] He's one of my bigger influences. He always writes amazing melodies and songs."[[80]](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tom_DeLonge#cite_note-Kerrang066-80) Ross said: "I wanted to learn how to play [the guitar] like Tom DeLonge."[[56]](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tom_DeLonge#cite_note-rs-56)

##  Non-musical endeavors

###  Business

 

 

  
[ ](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:TomDeLongeByPhilKonstantin.jpg)

 

 

DeLonge in 2008

DeLonge was unsure if the band's status in the music industry would grow or last, and he expanded into business beginning in 1998. He started a holding group, Really Likable People (RLP), with a US$20,000 investment.[[3]](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tom_DeLonge#cite_note-biz-3) Following this, he co-founded[Loserkids.com](https://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=Loserkids.com&action=edit&redlink=1), a website specializing in youth-branded apparel.[[3]](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tom_DeLonge#cite_note-biz-3)

In 2001, DeLonge and Hoppus, together with childhood friend Dylan Anderson, established the clothing brand, [Atticus Clothing](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Atticus_Clothing). The following year, DeLonge founded [Macbeth Footwear](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Macbeth_Footwear), a [rock and roll](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rock_and_roll)-inspired shoe company.[[3]](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tom_DeLonge#cite_note-biz-3)

The technology and design firm [Modlife](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Modlife) was then founded by DeLonge in 2007, around the time that Blink-182 decided to part ways. DeLonge explained in 2014 that he was pondering a "plan B," whereby musical acts could monetize other aspects of their creative portfolio—posters, books, VIP tickets, limited-edition releases—given the challenges of contracts offered by major music companies and the emergence of file-sharing.[[81]](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tom_DeLonge#cite_note-Fast-81) Modlife handles the official websites and fan clubs for a range of artists, including [the White Stripes](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_White_Stripes), [Pearl Jam](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pearl_Jam), and [Kanye West](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kanye_West).[[82]](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tom_DeLonge#cite_note-IFC-82)

In 2011, DeLonge launched Strange Times, a website devoted to extraterrestrial life, paranormal activity, cryptozoology, and conspiracy theories.[[82]](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tom_DeLonge#cite_note-IFC-82)[[83]](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tom_DeLonge#cite_note-83) All of DeLonge's business entities exist under the RLP moniker, with the exception of Atticus Clothing, which was sold in 2005.[[3]](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tom_DeLonge#cite_note-biz-3)

###  Film

DeLonge first approached filmmaking when he directed the music video for the song "This Photograph is Proof (I Know You Know)" by [Taking Back Sunday](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Taking_Back_Sunday) in 2004.[[82]](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tom_DeLonge#cite_note-IFC-82)He was fascinated by the medium, calling the process "so artistically satisfying," and he has since worked in film on [Angels & Airwaves](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Angels_%26_Airwaves)-related projects.[[82]](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tom_DeLonge#cite_note-IFC-82) In 2014, he co-directed the animated short film _[Poet Anderson: The Dream Walker](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Poet_Anderson:_The_Dream_Walker)_.

In June 2012, DeLonge was working on two films: a feature-length _Poet_ film and a film based on _Strange Times_.[[82]](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tom_DeLonge#cite_note-IFC-82)

###  Writing

In December 2013, DeLonge released a children's book, _The Lonely Astronaut on Christmas Eve_.[[84]](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tom_DeLonge#cite_note-84) The plot of the book is described by _Alternative Press_ as a "rocketeer spending a cold Christmas alone on the moon who is visited by extraterrestrial life".[[85]](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tom_DeLonge#cite_note-lonelyastronaut-85) DeLonge participated in a charity auction benefiting Rady Children’s Hospital Foundation allowing fans to bid on a package including the book.[[85]](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tom_DeLonge#cite_note-lonelyastronaut-85)

In March 2015, DeLonge announced he was co-writing 15 novels with "best selling authors" that would be released with soundtrack EPs.[[70]](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tom_DeLonge#cite_note-AltPressMar23-15-70)[[71]](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tom_DeLonge#cite_note-RollingStoneMar22-15-71) In October 2015, he will release the novel _Poet Anderson: ...Of Nightmares_ written by him and Suzanne Young, which will be accompanied by an Angels  & Airwaves EP.

##  Personal life

In 1996, DeLonge began dating [Jennifer Jenkins](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jennifer_Jenkins), with whom he had been friends since high school.[[86]](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tom_DeLonge#cite_note-People-86) They were married on May 26, 2001 at [Coronado Island](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Coronado_Island) in the[San Diego Bay](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/San_Diego_Bay).[[87]](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tom_DeLonge#cite_note-Vh1-87) The band [Jimmy Eat World](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jimmy_Eat_World) performed at the reception. DeLonge gave each of the groomsmen, including [Mark Hoppus](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mark_Hoppus), silver [yo-yos](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Yo-yo) from [Tiffany & Co.](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tiffany_%26_Co.)[[87]](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tom_DeLonge#cite_note-Vh1-87) They live with their dogs in [Del Mar, California](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Del_Mar,_California), and have two children: daughter Ava Elizabeth (born 2002) and son Jonas Rocket (born 2006).

 

 

**pressed gravy:** Oh okay :////

 

**solo:** WHAT DID U DO????????????????????

 

**big D:** I CALLED HIM DADDY AND I KEPT PASTIN HIS WIKI PAGE INTO THE COMMENTS :///////////////

 

**solo:** what did u fuckgn expect????????/

bUT THIS IS SO FUCKIGN HILARIOSU

U FUCKER

EVERY1 CHANGE DEACONS CONTACT NAME TO BLOCKED BY TOM DELONGE

 

**blocked by tom delonge** : nO

 

* * *

 

 

**solo:** mmm im such a slut for les mis

but u know what im a bigger slut for????  
ENJOLTAIRE

 

 

**pressed gravy:** SAME

 

 

**solo:** ENJOLRAS AND GRANTAIRE ARE THE ULTIMATE GAYS 

 

 

**pressed gravy:** THEY DIED HOLDING HANDS

HOW IS THAT NOT GAY??????

 

 

solo: I KNOW 

AND GRANTAIRE LITERALLY IDOLISED ENJOLRAS

LIKE CMON GUYS THIS IS THE GAYEST SHIT TO EVER EXIST

 

 

**piper no piping:** We r gonna watch the movie together in that case

 

 

**solo:** YEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS 

U MOTHERFUCKERS BETTER  BRING TISSUE BOXES

TONIGHT AT MY PLACE

7 PM

 

 

**danse danse:** I actually want to watch this, I'm in. 

 

 

**rhys krispie treats** : see u fucknutters tonite

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lmao my friend was ACTUALLY blocked by tom delonge its so hilarious also sorry abt having to scroll thru some of his wiki page rip
> 
> all comments, kudos etc are greatly appreciated <3333333333333333333333333333333333


	17. goddamn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> preston nearly dies and a Pure group chat is formed

**blocked by tom delonge:** YALL I FUCKIGN CANT

SO YKNOW HOW PRESTON WAS IN NYC LAST WEEK????

 

**solo:** yeah??????????

 

**blocked by tom delonge:** AND YKNOW HOW WHEN HE CAME BACK HE WAS BROKE

 

**solo:** yeah?????????

 

**blocked by tom delonge:** ITS BECAUSE HE GOT FUCKING MUGGED

 

**solo:** oh holy shit is he okay???????????

 

**blocked by tom delonge:** HES FINE BUT HE DIDNT GIVE THEM THE MONEY

YKNOW WHAT HE FUCKIGN DID?????

HE STARTED TALKING TO THEM ABOUT HOW THE REASON WHY THEYRE MUGGING HIM IS BECAUSE OF HOW THE SYSTEM DIOESNT TREAT THEM CORRECTLY AND DOESNT HELP THEM WITH THEIR HEALTHCARE AND ALL THAT SHIT

AND THEY FYCKING AGGREED WITH HIM

AND THEN HE TOOK THEM OUT TO DINNER AND GAVE THEM THE REST OF HIS MONEY

 

**solo:** OH MY GOD

THIS IS SUCH A ###PRESTON THING TO DO 

IM LITERALLY SCREAMING

MY POOR SON IS GONNA GET HIMSELF BEATEN UP ONE DAY

 

**pressed gravy:** It was no big deal tbh,,,, they were so happy cos they hadn't eaten in like two days

They need help :((((((((

 

**solo:** dude ur literally a saint

but u gotta b careful cos i love u and i would be so upset and scared if u got beaten up or anythin worse happened

 

**pressed gravy:** Its fine!!! Its not like they had guns or anything,,,

 

**solo:** PRESTON GARVEY I S2G DID THEY HAVE GUNS

 

**pressed gravy:** ,,,,maybe,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

 

**solo:** I CANT BELIEVE THIS

 

**pressed gravy:** I have never done anything wrong ever in my life

 

**blocked by tom delonge:** i know this and i love you

 

* * *

**solo:** fun fact: sex with danse is literally the Ultimate Experience

 

**hardcock:** does he recite the US national anthem when he nuts??

 

**solo:** ;;))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

 

**danse danse:** Hahaha. 

No. 

 

 

**solo:** wellllll there was something to do with the constitution 

but i wont share the ~details~ 

 

**danse danse:** I'm so relieved honestly.

 

**hardcock:** danse i think we have similar kinks

 

**danse danse:** TBH that terrifies me.

But you'll agree with me, nothing is sexier than JUSTICE. 

 

**hardcock:** AHAHAHAHAA YES

BRB THATS GONNA BE MY NEW BIO FOR ALL OF MY SOCIAL MEDIAS

 

* * *

 

 

_**[one punch cait named the chat cait support squad!!!]** _

 

**one punch cait:** k,,, are yall able to talk????  
  


**piper no piping:** I can!!

 

**solo:** im here!!!!

 

**cutie:** What do you need buddy?

 

**one punch cait:** okkk since ur all here

i need help 

with emotions and stuff

cos

i 

think

i 

have 

a

crush

on

rhys

 

**solo:** called it

 

**one punch cait:** ive literally never spoken with the guy?????????????????????????????/

 

**piper no piping:** Honey the way he acts reminds us of you 

Plus he's like always ready to fight with what i have experienced from my interactions with him

It's like you're made for him TBH

 

**cutie:** I agree with Piper. 

I think you should message him!

There's no day but today

 

**solo:** lol nice RENT ref

and i agree with curie!!!  
just do it fam

 

**one punch cait:** im blushing so hard rn

but what if he doesnt like me???

i mean im not much of a looker and im not the sharpest knife in the set

 

**solo:** read the thing i sent you

type it out so i kno ur thinkin abt it

 

**one punch cait:** do i have to??

 

**solo:** YES

 

**one punch cait:** "you aren't stupid. you aren't ugly. you're an ethereal goddess made of chaos and passion whose opinions, hopes and dreams matter. you matter. anyone who thinks otherwise isn't worth your time." 

 

**solo:** damn right 

now go message him

i believe in you <3333333333333333

 

**piper no piping:** What's with the statement?

 

**solo:** any time cait says something negative about herself, i make her read that statement that i wrote for her so she can remember that she matters to everyone

 

**cutie:**  Awww that's so sweet!

 

**piper no piping:** Tbh how did we live without you, sole??

 

**solo:** lol idk

but im writing one for everyone

 

**cutie:** This is the most positive chat I've been in and I love it so much!!

 

**piper no piping:** SAME!!!

 

**solo:** i love yall so much

 

**piper no piping:** Do y'all just wanna come over and cuddle and watch disney movies??

 

**cutie:** YES!!!!!!!!!!

 

**solo:** IM SO DOWN!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

* * *

 

_**[one punch cait is in a conversation with rhys krispie treats]** _

 

one punch cait:  umm hi

you might not know me

i'm cait

i was wondering if maybe u want hang out at some point??

i know this really great fight club we could go to

 

**rhys krispie treats:** i think ive met u before

'killer cait' at the combat zone

 

**one punch cait:** wait ur ripper rhys

oh god

lol i forgot

 

**rhys krispe treats:** lmaoooo we can totally hang out

ur a really reallyy good fighter

but we dont have to fight

we can go see finding dory??

 

**one punch cait:** suree

tonight???

 

**rhys krispe treats:** theres a session at 7??

 

**one punch cait:** ill see you then 

 

* * *

 

_**[cait support squad!!!]** _

**one punch cait:** ommmggggggg

i did it

_**[one punch cait sent receipts1.jpg and receipts2.jpg]** _

 

**solo:** AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

im so proud of u bby!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

**piper no piping:** U did it omg!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm so excited for you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

 

**cutie:** I knew you could do it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

<33333333333333333333333333333333333333

 

**one punch cait:** @ all of u  <33333333333333333333333333333333333333333333

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i finally decided to add at least some form of a plot lmao
> 
> all comments, kudos etc are greatly appreciated <33333333333333333


	18. dank meme$

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> SUCCessful dates, dank memes and nuts

_**[cait support squad!!!]** _

 

 **one punch cait:** guys i went on the date

and tbh ive started to believe in ##love

 

 **solo:** YYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

IM SO HAPPY FOR U BABE

 

 **cutie:** I knew you could do it!!!!!!!!

I'm so proud of you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

* * *

 

**[solo changed the chat name to rest in piece harambe]**

 

 **solo:** fuck i miss harambe

why did he have to die?

i wish they killed the mother instead

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OJw3MmL-Omk 

 

 **hardcock:** i feel like pure shit i just want harambe back

i whipped my dick out for him and hes still dead

 

 **blocked by tom delonge:** whip ya dick out for harambe and bring back his soul piece by piece 

 

 **valentine:** Who's Harambe? 

 

 **solo:** HOW DARE YOU NICK 

 

 **hardcock:** HARAMBE WAS NUMBER ONE

 

 **valentine:** Oh yeah, he was that gorilla that got shot because that child fell in the zoo exhibit. 

 

 **blocked by tom delonge:** he wasn't just a "gorilla" 

 that "gorilla" was there for me when u werent

that "gorilla" explained how i felt through lyrics

that "gorilla" made me laugh, cry, smile and have the ability to change my mood easily 

that "gorilla" means more to me than most people i know 

and u know what; 

that "gorilla" saved my life

 

 **solo:** AHBHFFB;KASFBKJASDBKFASDBKFBA;FUAB DEACON

IM CRYING

AT UR MESSAGES AND FOR HARAMBE

 

 

 **valentine:** I always regret asking questions in this chat. 

 

* * *

 

 **danse danse** : I'm so angry. 

Sole won't stop singing allstar by smashmouth 

 

 **solo:** someBODY

ONCE 

TOLD ME 

 

 **hardcock:** the world was gonna roll away

there it goes

its gone

 

 **solo:** I AINT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED

 

 **macdaddy:** that reminds me

i rewrote allstar to be abt nutting

 

 **piper no piping:** Of course you fucking did

 

 **macdaddy:** do u want me to paste it in???

 

 **solo:** YESSS BITCH

 

**macdaddy:**

Somebody once told me the world is gonna nut me  
I ain't the sharpest nut in the shed  
She was looking kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb  
In the shape of an "L" on her forehead  
  
Well, the years start nutting and they don't stop nutting  
Fed to the rules and I hit the ground nutting  
Didn't make sense not to live for nut  
Your brain gets smart but your dick busts  
  
So much to do, so much to nut  
So what's wrong with taking the back nut?  
You'll never know if you don't nut  
You'll never shine if you don't nut  
  
_[Chorus:]_  
Hey, now, you're an nut Star, get your game on, go play  
Hey, now, you're a nut Star, get the show on, get paid  
And all that nut is gold  
Only shooting nuts break the mold  
  
It's a cool nut and they say it gets colder  
You're bundled up now wait 'til you get older  
But the meteor nutd beg to differ  
Judging by the nut in the satellite picture  
  
The nut we bust is getting pretty thin  
The nut juice’s getting warm so you might as well swim  
My nut’s on fire. How about yours?  
That's the way I nutted and I'll never get bored.  
  
_[Chorus 2x]_  
  
Somebody once asked could I spare some nut for gas  
I need to nut myself away from this place  
I said yep, what a concept  
I could use a little nut myself  
And we could all use a little nut  
  
Well, the years start nutting and they don't stop nutting  
Fed to the rules and I hit the ground nutting  
Didn't make sense not to live for nut  
Your brain gets smart but your dick busts  
  
So much to do, so much to nut  
So what's wrong with taking the back nut?  
You'll never know if you don't nut  
You'll never shine if you don't nut  
  
_[Chorus]]_

  
And all that nut is gold

Only shooting nuts break the mold

 **solo:** HFALBHJFASD;JVASB;JVBASD;JFAS'DIVBSUDVBASJDBV

 

 **hardcock:** BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAH 

MAC UR MY HERO 

 

 **danse danse:** I'm blocking all of you

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> at long last i update,, im so lazy smh and i made that harambe pic lmao  
> if u want more dank memes/shitposts follow me on tumblr (@sponge-clogs) and twitter (@spongeclogs) im really creative but consistency is ~key 
> 
> all comments and kudos etc. are HUGELY apprectiated <33333333333333333333333333333333


	19. so that happened

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the squad discusses how shit 2016 was, danse goes on a romantic getaway and the squad sum up everything he missed bc that getaway went on for MONTHS

**solo:** can u believe 2016 actually came into my home and killed my family

 

 **macdaddy:** not surprised tbh

 

 **pressed gravy:** At least its over :)))

 

 **cutie:** If you look on the bright side, we are a year closer to the sun's eventual explosion which will kill us all. :^)

 

 **solo:** i cant believe

2016 killed curies will 2 live

 

 **not blocked by tom delonge:** tbh 1980 killed my will to live

 

 **valentine:** Isn't that when you were born?

 

 **not blocked by tom delonge:** exactly ;)

 

 **one punch cait:** tbh the only good to come out of 2016 was skam, eyewitness and gettin w rhys

 

 **rhys krispie treats:** back at ya babe ;)

 

 **solo:** get this het nonsense outta my face

but u right abt skam and eyewitness god bless

 

* * *

 

 

 **danse danse:** I'm back

What have I missed?

 

 **solo:** mmm daddie danse is back from his romantic getaway w maxson

 

 **danse danse:** It wasn't a romantic getaway. It was a work experience thing.

I happened to be the only one who came.

Maxson said he had booked this for a girlfriend but they broke up so he decided to invite his employees.

But no one besides me came.

 

 **baelyn:** hunny maxson only invited you

i didnt hear shit from him 

 

 **solo:** mm sure danse

but p much u didnt miss anything

we got absolutely smashed on christmas and new years

we all had a lot of sex

i made a record and nutted 15 times in a row

like the nut just wouldnt stop it was wild

everyone was messy tho

deacon finally got unblocked by the alien man

we cried when trump was elected

not much tbh

 

 **not blocked by tom delonge:** character development

also dont forget how X6 has become more chill since he started smoking weed

everyone changed his contact name to X42069

 

 **macdaddy:** my gf tried to take me back and i told her to succ my fat nuts

duncan my sweet ass pupper has gotten a bit bigger

hes still a tinie boy tho

 

 **piper no piping:** I've been shitting out articles like I work at fucking buzzfeed

But my articles are actually good and have journalistic value

 

 **solo:** DRAGT

 

 **pressed gravy:** I've been working too

 

 **hardcock:** tbh not much has actually happened

everythin is goin fast

lmao @ depression wyd

 

 **solo:** BIG MOOD

 

 **hardcock:** thank god that harambe meme died tho

that got outta hand real quick 

 

 **macdaddy:** tbh

ALSO HTGAWM

FUCK

 

 **solo:** DONT U DARE SAY SHIT MAC IM ALMOST FINISHED S2

 

 **macdaddy:** I WONT BUT I WAS ####SHOOK

anyway thats what u missed

 

 

 **danse danse:** K

 

 **solo:** 'k'??????????

thts what we get??????????

we?? pour??? our heart??? and ??? soul???? out???? tellin???? u?? all?? the??? shit??? that??? happened???

and??? u?? respond???? w???? 'k'????

fuck outta here

u boutta catch these hands

 

 **danse danse:** I'm sorry, you're right.

Thank you for catching me up.

 

 **piper no piping:** FUCK

Danse apologising for smth????

 

What did Maxson do to you?

Who are you and where is the real danse?

 

 **danse danse:** Piper it's me.

Sole brought up a good point and I thought that I should apologise

 

 **X42069:** real character development right there

 

 **hardcock:** ay whats good x6

 

 **X42069:** i am chilling

i have started listening to a band called Glass Animals

they are very good

 

 **hardcock:** lit

i told yall x6 chilled out

 

 **danse danse:** Hello X6.

 

 **X42069:** danse, have you ever considered smoking marijuana?

 

 **danse danse:** I do not smoke the devil's lettuce.

 

 **hardcock:** lmao chill u can of tinned beef

 

 **solo:** same

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yall,,,,,, i decided to update after a million years. i wasnt rlly planning on endin it i just had a lot come up. i dont know if ill continue updating because im starting senior classes next week and i need to be focused if i actually want to have a future :^)
> 
> lbr i probs wont update til like mid june and itll be a shitty and kinda short chapter just like this lmao
> 
> thanks so much for the overwhelming support of this fic especially since this was my first time uploading and writing on ao3
> 
> comments, kudos etc are forever appreciated and i love u all  
> <333333333333333333333333


	20. crytyping, more crytyping and One Big Mistake

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> deacon cries, X6 cries and hancock fucks up

**not blocked by tom delonge:** PETER LEWIS KINGSTON "PETE" WENTZ III #DID #THAT

 

**macdaddy:** lol what he do??

 

**not blocked by tom delonge:** MOTHERFUCKER REPLIED TO ME

 

**macdaddy:**  WAIT ARE YOU FRICKIN

SDABSCSCSDKNSJK

JSDFJADJA;FASNV

FOR REAL???????????????????????????

 

**not blocked by tom delonge:** IM SERIOUS

I COMMENTED ON HIS RECENT ON IG ABT GOODNIGHT MOON BEIN HIS OFFICIAL SEXTAPE

AND THENN

HE REPLIDE

H SAID 'LOL OK OR SOME WEIRD ART MOVIE I DID YEARS AGO' W A LAUGHING CRYING EMOJI

THE MAN

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

ALARM EMOJIS WORK

 

**macdaddy:** WHAT THE _**HYUCK**_

 

**not blocked by tom delonge:** IM FUCKING CRYING

THE RAT MAN

REPLIED

TO ME

AND MADE ME

C

R

Y

 

**piper no piping:** Wait. Who made you cry?

 

**macdaddy:**  *whomst

to sum it all up

deacon stirred pete wentz up

pete replied

deacon is crying

 

**piper no piping** : OH MY GOD

THIS IS SO FUNNY

 

**not blocked by tom delonge:** i msrory epeti jsut wnated to hve a goud meme,,im cryitng

 

**piper no piping:** AHSHABHASHHSAHS

ICONIQUE

 

* * *

 

**pressed gravy** : Um guys?

 

**danse danse** : Yes, Preston?

 

**pressed gravy:** I need your help

 

**danse danse** : With what?

 

**pressed gravy:** X6 just showed up at my door in tears and I don't know what to do

 

**danse danse:** Why is he crying?

 

**X42069** : thme dgogogs 

htyre sog ood nda pur e

teyhre goo d dgos , brnet

 

**solo:** smh

guys its chill

when x6 gets high sometimes he cries over dogs

or any animal

one time he cried over spiders???

 

**X42069** : dgogs ar eso tiney nd 

spdiers aer smlal dusdes

ims hakgni tey so tnny

 

**solo:** told u

 

* * *

 

**hardcock:** i have a Situation

 

**solo:** whatd u do this time??

 

**hardcock:** ok so,, u know how there was that hornest nest i kept in a box

 

**solo:** omg yeah

 

**hardcock:** i may have hit the box

i may have accidentally let them lose

and then i may have ACCIDENTALLY inhaled a few

 

**solo:** how'm'st the fuck?????

how do u INHALE HORNETS

WHAT THE FUCK HANCOCK

 

**hardcock:** I DIDNT MEAN TO

IT WAS A BIG ACCIDENT

I SCREAMED AND THEY JUST FLEW IN????????

 

**not blocked by tom delonge:** some people??? inhale hornets??? to cope????

but for real dude i thought u got rid of them

somethin about setting them on fire??

 

**solo:** hancock whatd i say about setting things on fire

 

**hardcock:** my guys

i didnt set them on fire bc dead hornets probably smell

idk

ive never set them on fire

 

**not blocked by tom delonge:** FALSE

youve set hornets on fire before

remember that one time

when u were like 'lol deacon u think i should set this nest of hornets on fire with my blunt for shits and gigs?'

u did

and u got stung everywhere

 

**hardock:**  dont call me out like this

 

**solo:** hancock why are we friends??

 

hardcock: bc

u would set hornets on fire too

 

**solo:** tru tbh

BACK TO THE POINT

WHAT DID U DO

 

**hardcock:** I WAS PRACTISING MY KICKFLIPS

AND I THOGUHT

YO IT WOULD BE SO COOL IF I JUST

TRIED TO KICKFLIP AND HOLD A BOX OF ANGRY HORNETS AT THE SAME TIME 

SO I DID

I FUCKED IT UP AND I DROPPED THEM

I SCREAMED

THOSE FUCKERS SENSE FEAR SO A BUNCH OF THEM ATTACKED ME

AND FLEW INTO MY MOUTH

AT LEAST 15 HORNETS ARE IN MY STOMACH RN

I THINK IM DYING

 

**solo:** hancock for fucks sake

 

**cutie:** My goodness Hancock!

I'm on my way right now to help you.

 

**hardcock:** GOD BLESS

I LOVE YOY CURIE

 

**cutie:** I love you too, Hancock.

 

**solo:** pure and good

ily curie <3

 

**not blocked by tom delonge** : curie send me pics of hancock when u get to his place

 

**cutie** : Will do. 

<3

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sup.  
> ive been wanting to update for a while but now i have the chance!! i honestly cant thank you enough for the love and support you've given me!!!! im too lazy to reply to comments but i want yall to know that i love you and i read every single comment. they really boost my mood when i need it lol. if u wanna chat w me just hit me up on my tumblr @sponge-clogs. all kudos, comments etc are GREATLY appreciated,,,, until next time nerds <3333


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